- McConnell has reportedly begun sleeping in a bag of formaldehyde every night to preserve his decaying body long enough to try and vote against one more Trump impeachment attempt.
- McConnell has been walking around everywhere in the Senate with a leashed therapy turtle that can allegedly sense when he’ll have a mini-stroke.
- McConnell is reportedly done trying to deal with crazy MAGA Republicans in Congress, and is increasingly spending his work days lying on the floor of his office creating obstacle courses for his pet turtle Franklin, and timing how fast Franklin can finish them.
- McConnell reportedly admitted that Republicans have lied to their voters for so long and tolerated so many absurd conspiracy theories that their voters “do not live in reality.”
- McConnell currently ranted on the Senate floor today about how he wants to strangle all the GOP primary voters who have voted to nominate unelectable Senate candidates throughout his career.
- McConnell says he doesn’t have mini strokes, and his freezing incidents are just him getting momentarily distracted while daydreaming about turtles.
- In an attempt to encourage Republicans not to politicize the COVID vaccine back in 2020, McConnell told the Republican Senate caucus to promote the vaccines explaining, “We want our voters to die from lack of health insurance, weak labor regulations, polluted water, toxic air quality, forest fires, hurricanes, extreme heat waves, forever wars, and mass shootings, not COVID! So get vaccinated today!”
- McConnell reportedly complained to a journalist that his biggest regret in politics was the “letting all the dumbfuck Republican primary voters turn me into an electoral cum dumpster because of how many times they fucked me and my Senate majorities picking unelectable Senate candidates who got hopelessly destroyed in their general elections and lost the GOP dozens of winnable seats.”
- McConnell reportedly once got reprimanded by the Senate’s IT guy for putting a virus on his office computer from a website catering to turtle porn.
- McConnell once called Senator Chuck Grassley a “biologically illiterate ignoramus” before storming off to his office after Grassley referred to a tortoise as a turtle.
- On January 7th, 2021, McConnell affirmed his belief that the J6 riot was absolutely a deadly coup attempt, and said he thanked God that morning that the rioters didn’t find and hurt Zippy, his Senate office’s pet turtle.
- A former Trump staffer admitted that when Mitch McConnell was about to endorse impeaching Trump after the January 6th insurrection attempt, he woke up with a bunch of decapitated turtle heads in his bed.
- When asked for a comment on Trump’s racist depiction of Barack and Michelle Obama as monkeys, Mitch McConnell said he had some turtle turds he had to rush home to clean up.
- McConnell: “The former president keeps calling me an achievement-less loser, but if I were achievement-less would I currently have the second largest private freshwater turtle collection in all of southeastern Kentucky? I don’t think so.”
- Mitch McConnell was just elected the Caliph of ISIS in absentia for his “impressively untiring work” dismantling the American government.
- McConnell has reportedly directed his staffers to delete all the turtle porn sites from his office computer browser history when he dies.
- McConnell has started wearing matching turtle socks and turtle ties. “I’m approaching the end of my life,” he said, “and, goddammit, I’m no longer ashamed of my passion for Earth’s magnificent shelled herpetoids!”
- Mitch McConnell has reportedly created in his office what he calls “Turtle City,” an elaborate series of variously themed kiddie pools filled with water and decorations for his pet turtle Franklin to play in while he has long phone calls negotiating prices and delivery dates with exotic reptile salesmen.
- McConnell’s wife, Elaine Chao is reportedly publishing a book next month entitled, “Senate Kama Sutra: 100 Illustrated Tantric Lessons I Learned On Erotic Passion With My Magnificent Lover, Former Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.”
- McConnell says if any more GOP Senate candidates’ campaigns implode in the midterms like Blake Masters, Dr. Oz, Herschel Walker, etc., he’ll buy a 1-way plane ticket to the Galapagos Islands and never talk to anyone that doesn’t have a shell ever again.
- McConnell secretly died 3 months ago, and no one could tell because he looked no different than his usual frozen facial expression of blankly staring out at nothing.
- McConnell has had no major legislative accomplishments and no admirable personality, just unqualified federal judges and desecrated norms clawed from the clutches of decency, consistency, and democracy itself.
- McConnell has also reportedly begun digging several giant holes in the lawn around the Capitol Building into which he says he will soon lay hundreds of eggs.
- McConnell once got caught jacking off in the turtle room and the Louisville Zoo.
- Become a paid subscriber and support my comedy for just $2.50 a month. 🥃
☕️ Or buy me a coffee if you want to help keep me caffeinated.
If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published two books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, and Satire In The Biden Years. Or, better yet, request your local library order a copy on their website.
I’ve also published three existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, and Hotel Golden Hours available in print and on Kindle.
Because our social media platforms are being scrambled up by oligarchs, if you like my humor, diversify where you follow me so you never miss my jokes to interrupt your doomscrolling: Twitter, Bluesky, Threads, Facebook, Instagram, Spoutible, Medium, and Substack.
Browse my comedy portfolio, my graffiti news portfolio, and my poetry portfolio.
The Halfway Post 