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- Mitch McConnell’s body was reportedly brought to one of the GOP’s “closetocracy parties” and a train was run on him.
- A reporter asked Mike Johnson at a press conference today, “Should we bother asking you any questions about the Iran War starting up again despite Trump insisting dozens of times we won and that Iran was obliterated, or have you not heard about it yet?”
- Dozens of protesters are reportedly planning to attend Trump’s midterm convention event to repeatedly interrupt it chanting, “We want the Epstein Files! Give us the Epstein Files! Stop hiding the Epstein Files!”
- A top GOP official is warning fellow Republicans that, if Republicans don’t change the direction of the polls, Democrats are certain to win Congress and will start incessant investigations and impeachment trials that will result in a JD Vance presidency and incumbency for 2028, “which no Republican wants.”
- House Republicans promise that if voters give the GOP a bigger House majority they’ll finally have the votes to release the Epstein Files, bring down inflation, and make the food supply safer.
- Mike Johnson is reportedly pissed Americans are blaming Republicans in Congress for the Iran War, inflation, the poisoned food supply, the debt, data centers jacking up electric bills and polluting all the freshwater, ICE’s Constitutional abuses, and Trump’s constant grifting.
- The White House staff are reportedly asking cattle ranchers from Kansas, Nebraska, and Iowa to stop mailing cow turds in cardboard boxes to Trump and all his economic advisors.
- Red states are reportedly having trouble attracting doctors and nurses because educated medical professionals do not want to spend their careers treating previously vanquished diseases like polio, measles, and smallpox, but the state legislatures are blaming socialism and Joe Biden.
- Natalie Harp is reportedly now pre-chewing Donald Trump’s food for him because a side-effect of his cocktail of dementia, blood pressure, and blood thinner medications is sensitive, bloody gums where they rub against his dentures.
- House and Senate Republicans are pissed that if Democrats win Congress they will force Republicans to ruin their legacies by repeatedly having to vote to protect all the Epstein pedophile rapists because voting with Democrats to hold any of them accountable will inevitably ruin Trump.
- House Republicans say they just don’t have enough time on the Congressional schedule in between their summer and fall vacations to release the Epstein Files before the midterms, but they promise they’ll get right back to holding the pedophiles accountable next year.
- The warden of the jail where Andrew Tate is being held has asked people to stop mailing bottles of BBQ sauce and hot sauce addressed to Tate’s cannibal cell mate with the label “Tate Sauce.”
- An exhaustive, multi-year, multi-university-collaborated, peer-reviewed $1.3 million study found that Donald Trump’s sweaty, obese, trans-fat-riddled body reeks like death.
- A new poll found that — following the Epstein Files cover up, Mitch McConnell’s mortality mystery, and the Iran war that’s not a war but we’re burning hundreds of billions of dollars — 91% of Americans are pissed that everyone in the government just lies about everything now.
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The Halfway Post 