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- Legal scholars say Trump’s ICE deportation policies can be used by a Democratic president to arrest Elon Musk on the street by masked agents in an unmarked van, hold him in a concentration camp for weeks, confiscate all his money, and deport him to Sudan.
- A new poll found that — following the Epstein Files cover up, Mitch McConnell’s mortality mystery, and the Iran war that’s not a war but we’re burning hundreds of billions of dollars — 91% of Americans are pissed that everyone in the government just lies about everything now.
- Trump has reportedly been fuming all day that Obama mocked his diaper use at a recent event despite how kind and respectful he has always been to Obama.
- A brand new Mar-a-Lago janitor says he was curious why Trump’s private toilets never needed any cleaning or toilet paper refills until other staffers explained why Natalie Harp follows him around with a big bag.
- The FBI’s new hiring policy that no longer excludes candidates who have admitted to bestiality has reportedly been a major breakthrough for agents using enhanced interrogation tactics on terrorists who are goats.
- A new report found that homosexuality is rising significantly in the military now that Pete Hegseth fired all the women and POC from authority roles, and replaced them with extremist Evangelical white men overly obsessed with excessive displays of projected masculinity and homoerotic fealty to Donald Trump.
- Natalie Harp is reportedly furiously printing out AI images showing fake comments online to assure Trump that no one can tell he’s wearing a new wig, it totally looks the same as before, and everyone is impressed by his shockingly youthful appearance.
- House and Senate Republicans are furious Trump spent Sunday posting AI videos of himself for 13 hours straight instead of doing anything to stop inflation, end the Iran War, or reverse the poll numbers that show the GOP will get wrecked in the midterms.
- MAGA supporters are worried the rumors about Trump wearing diapers are true because he hasn’t lashed out with racist AI videos after Obama made a diaper joke about a him at a recent event.
- A prankster reportedly edited the second page of ICE’s new Polling Place Operational Manual to say “If we intimidate enough voters in these midterms the GOP can protect all the Epstein pedophiles from any consequences for another two years!” before 50,000 copies printed.
- Scientists are shocked to discover that Trump’s stench killed a petri dish full of tardigrades, the microscopic “water bears” that can survive nuclear waste, freezing, and the vacuum of space.
- Iranian officials have reportedly begun addressing their negotiation letters to “President Natalie Harp.”
- A White House official was asked how Trump was styling and decorating his underground bunker beneath the ballroom, and the staffer described it as “Saddam Hussein meets Liberace.”
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the perfect books for you: Trump Comedy, Satire In The Trump Years, and Satire In The Biden Years.
Also check out my four existentialist poetry books: Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 