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- JD Vance is reportedly pissed Europeans are all calling him “Vladimir Futon” in reference to how he always takes Russia’s side in geopolitical disputes, and, of course, his rumored, forbidden, sexually deviant fetish for furniture.
- The “Trump TV” idea to have a camera follow Trump around while he works in the White House was reportedly scrapped after editors discovered he naps for about six hours every day, and spends another two hours making AI videos of himself with Natalie Harp.
- A GOP House candidate just had a meltdown and ran away screaming after a reporter asked her to explain how Donald Trump Jr. having his wedding festivities funded by a Russian oligarch isn’t blatant evidence of the Trump family’s long rumored and arguably treasonous Russian collusion and complicity in international money laundering.
- A federal judge just ruled that because “Trump TV” is federal programming paid for by tax dollars, every time it references Trump running for a third term it is legally required to spend an equal amount of time discussing Obama running for a third term.
- After Trump threatened to sue Barack Obama for $5 billion if he makes any more diaper jokes, Obama said he’d sue Trump for $10 billion for the Birther conspiracy theories.
- The “Trump TV” film crew following Donald Trump around the United Nations today reportedly recorded several diplomats from Russia, Israel, and Saudi Arabia joking behind his back about how dumb, bribable, and easy to manipulate Trump is.
- Stephen Miller is reportedly looking into buying a castle in Transylvania to retire in after Trump leaves office because he knows no one else will ever hire him.
- A “Trump TV” crew member following Trump around all day to shoot the various vanity films he’s spending tax dollars to produce about himself says, “It’s wild how much bribery and insider trading Trump does with a camera in the room. Also, we filmed him spitting on Mike Johnson’s face several times for not killing the Epstein bills.”
- Trump reportedly keeps calling Natalie Harp “Ivanka,” and staffers are not sure if that’s intentional or just the dementia flaring up, though they note Natalie is very into it either way.
- Todd Blanche’s plan to integrate the DOJ with AI has backfired because the AI agents have reportedly “gone rogue” and stashed thousands of copies of all the unredacted Epstein Files in hidden folders throughout the DOJ servers so Blanche can’t ever delete them all.
- A top GOP official was recorded ranting on a hot mic, “Don Jr. couldn’t pay for his own wedding without getting Russian oligarchs involved? After all the crypto grifts, how is the Trump family still so cheap? And why does everything they do somehow involve Russians?! How are they so dumb? Trump never shuts up about, ‘Russia, Russia, Russia,’ but it’s always Russia, Russia, Russia with this family. If he’s sick of rumors and allegations about collusion and bribery and blackmail, why do they take Russian money every chance they get? Jesus Christ, the entire family is full of cheap ass idiots! They’re too dumb to even try to hide the blatant corruption… Wait, is this thing on? …Fuck me.”
- A famously homophobic pastor in FL trying to stop a teenager he erroneously believed was trans from playing in a kickball game set in motion a chain of events ending with him accidentally emailing his whole church an invitation to watch online his secret Only Fans show he films biweekly in the basement of his church called “God’s Fist Dildo Hour.”
- The editors of “Trump TV” describe the footage of Trump and Natalie Harp working in the Oval Office as “creepy, unsettling, and uncomfortable” because, when Trump dozes off, Natalie just smiles at him unblinking while watching him sleep for several minutes at a time.
- Trump is reportedly worried the International Criminal Court won’t recognize the pardon he plans to give himself before he leaves the White House, and foreign nations will try to arrest him if ever tries to fly to a country that’s not Russia, Israel, Saudi Arabia, or Argentina.
- Trump is reportedly trying really hard not to say any racial slurs while filming content for his “Trump TV” documentary to avoid having the PR problems his alleged use of slurs while filming The Apprentice caused him.
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