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- Donald Trump Jr. reportedly wants everyone to stop referring to the Russian oligarch who paid for his wedding as his “sugar daddy.”
- Trump is reportedly furious because the presidents and prime ministers of other countries have been posting their photos from the UN General Assembly with Trump edited out of them like he got edited out of all the World Cup trophy celebration photos.
- An internal FBI investigation reportedly found that, while the agency’s personnel files were getting hacked into and stolen, Kash Patel’s newly hired, hand-picked data security analysts were Googling whether Washington D.C. charged having sex with a goat as a misdemeanor or felony.
- The “Trump TV” producers are worried Trump’s narcissistic demand that they “document everything they can” is a giant gift for Democrats’ inevitable impeachment hearings because Trump spends his days coordinating insider trading deals, calling diplomats for bribes, threatening Republicans if they don’t help kill the votes on releasing the Epstein Files, and napping.
- Trump didn’t accomplish any meaningful negotiations with China during Xi Jinping’s visit, but White House staffers count it as a soaring success that he didn’t do any racist Chinese accents until after the Chinese diplomats left.
- Trump reportedly left his microphone on during a bathroom break from a “Trump TV” documentary he’s making about himself, and the audio of what transpired made the boom operator throw up, burn his headphones, and stop making eye contact with Natalie Harp.
- Donald Trump Jr. is reportedly worried that the Russian oligarch who paid for his wedding festivities may have installed hidden cameras in his honeymoon suite, and now the Russians have video blackmail of his sexual fetishes just like they got of his dad.
- Top Republicans are worried Trump’s efforts to dismantle and destroy all the mainstream legacy media companies will backfire and result in hundreds of reporters and pundits banding together to create a new unashamedly liberal media company that won’t go soft or easy on Republicans like the legacy companies have done for decades to avoid bad faith allegations of liberal bias.
- A new poll found that 81% of Democrats want Barack Obama to tweet out “Donald Trump looks like he needs a diaper change” just to see if it makes Trump stroke out and have to resign.
- A “Trump TV” documentary on Trump’s accomplishments as president includes 6 things Barack Obama did, 4 things Joe Biden did, and 9 things that presumably only happened in AI videos Trump made about himself that he has mistaken for reality.
- The triple-whammy combination of cratering Republican approval ratings, soaring inflation, and dramatic reductions in Russian money laundering is reportedly forcing all the top conservative media companies in the US to pivot from “owning the libs” to “renting the libs.”
- The Russian oligarch who paid for Don Jr.’s wedding party and arranged all the hotel details was reportedly overheard cryptically telling his friends, “the water drop does not fall far from the golden shower in that family.”
- Trump reportedly spent so much time explaining to a confused Xi Jinping why he had a picture of Joe Biden’s pen on the wall that Trump didn’t have time left to negotiate any new export deals to help the soybean and pork farmers Trump’s tariffs have bankrupted.
- The Republican Party is so unpopular that Vladimir Putin is reportedly setting aside money to set up Jill Stein campaigns for every 2028 Senate and House race in America (as well as for president) to divert as many liberals votes from Democratic candidates as possible.
- A top GOP Senate staffer just admitted that it’s more likely Trump publicly proclaims Barack Obama was a better, more accomplished, more popular president than he is than anyone getting a $5,000 check from the Treasury.
- A “Trump TV” producer says the filming crew includes one full-time guy whose sole job is to record timestamps every time Trump farts audibly while filming so they can edit out all the gas and cut to B-roll for the seconds following so they don’t record the people near Trump grimacing in obvious olfactory distress and gagging.
- A Republican senator is calling for an investigation into why a Russian oligarch bankrolled a $1000 funeral Eric Trump held for his pet mouse that he pet too hard.
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