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- Jared Kushner is reportedly worried the Democrats will subpoena him in January to explain to Congress what exactly he’s doing in all his secret negotiations between Israel, Russia, and Saudi Arabia, and that his deals and personal payoffs could “technically be treason.”
- Mitch McConnell’s staffers are reportedly carrying plushy turtles with them onto the Senate floor to dangle in front of his face when it’s his turn to vote for a bill because it’s the only thing that gets a reaction from him to pretend he’s cognizant.
- Secret Service agents reportedly use the code name “Rasputina” when discussing Natalie Harp.
- Trump is reportedly asking his staff if they think anyone would believe it if he announced that Xi Jinping has agreed to give every soybean and pork farmer in America a $5,000 check if Republicans keep control of Congress in the midterms because China “respects the Trump agenda so much.”
- The National Association of Furries is reportedly providing transportation funds and per diems for 25 of the organization’s “sluttiest, most bondage-forward members” to follow Senator Tommy Tuberville everywhere he goes in public for the entire month of October.
- Psychologists say Tommy Tuberville’s recent rants against furries are “textbook projection” because such hostility after 21 years coaching college football surrounded by various animal mascots “only makes sense if he’s guilty about his sexual attraction to them.”
- Trump reportedly left his Trump TV microphone on for a bathroom break, and the sound guy had to hear Natalie Harp telling Trump, “No president ever had bigger dumps than you. Bigger than Lincoln and Washington. And bloodier. No diaper can contain your greatness.”
- RFK Jr. reportedly asked Xi Jinping to bring some pangolin specimins to the US-China summit for him so he could do experiments on them and eat a few.
- Americans are increasingly suspecting the media would have something to say if, while Kamala Harris was president, the FBI’s personnel files got hacked, China stole F-35 parts, Russia and China were getting away with helping Iran kill US soldiers, all our Middle East bases got bombed, and our critical defense missile stockpile was depleted.
- A popular journalist in China coined a viral new term that translates roughly as “Toddler Diplomacy” to describe Trump’s childish diplomacy style in which he can’t cogently discuss the topics and doesn’t appear to personally care about any of the specific details of the final agreement while worrying obsessively over the photo-op at the end.
- A Zillow copycat app for the wealthy called MansionMe is endorsing Ken Paxton because he’ll be able to steal and launder way more tax dollars from the federal budget to buy their real estate than he can steal and launder from just the Texan budget.
- Top GOP officials are reportedly asking the conservative Supreme Court justices to flip-flop and rule that all the gerrymandered red state maps are unconstitutional so they can undo the “dummymandering” that polls now suggest will backfire and lose them up to 10 seats.
- A fortune teller reportedly told Stephen Miller last night that he would die in captivity in Alligator Alcatraz, but wouldn’t tell him what year.
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