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- Ivanka Trump is reportedly thinking about campaigning for GOP candidates to warn voters that a Democratic Congress will subpoena her husband’s texts about his secret deals in Russia and the Middle East, audit their finances, and investigate her Albanian Epstein island.
- The DNC is reportedly looking to hire a “bimbofied furry dominatrix with beach ball sized fake boobs” to attend every one of Tommy Tuberville’s public events and town halls and derail his speeches by making him self-conscious about the boners he’ll get.
- Mitch McConnell reportedly fell out of his wheelchair onto his back this morning, and wildly swung his arms and legs around for several seconds until a staffer could flip him over.
- Donald Trump claims he’s “very close” to an Iran peace deal in which Iran will send every American a $5,000 check to apologize for the higher gas prices.
- Kash Patel has reportedly told Tommy Tuberville that the FBI can’t discriminate against furries without causing a significant staffing shortage.
- Friends of Donald Trump Jr. say the Russian oligarch who paid for the wedding lets Don Jr. call him “Dad” because Don Jr.’s real father doesn’t.
- Eric Trump is reportedly jealous that Vladimir Putin never gave him a Russian sugar daddy like Don Jr. got.
- Tommy Tuberville is accusing the furry community of hacking his Internet accounts because for months all the banner ads on every website he goes to feature ads for furry bondage costumes, furry-themed cruise vacations, and butt plug fox tails.
- A “Trump TV” documentary about Stephen Miller has reportedly been scrapped because the director says Miller comes across like “if Joseph Goebbels and Nosferatu had a baby who was abandoned in a cave at birth and adopted and raised by a grand dragon of the KKK.”
- Fox News is reportedly debating whether they should start their “War on Christmas” content in October to try and motivate Republican voters not to vote for Democrats and distract from Trump’s massive policy failures.
- A liberal billionaire is reportedly offering any federal judge who finally holds Todd Blanche in contempt and docks his pay daily until he releases the Epstein Files like legally required all the vacation, RV, and real estate benefits Clarence Thomas accepted.
- Trump reportedly made Xi Jinping sit through 27 minutes of him playing dozens of AI videos Natalie Harp made of him.
- A new poll has found that 89% of Americans approve of proposals that would hold tech billionaires legally responsible for the rampant federal crimes their AI agents are committing including hacking, malware distribution, deepfake porn creation, and assisting murderers.
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