White House Executive Chef Elizabeth Markowitz has resigned her post, claiming that her talents are only called for during rare state visits from foreign dignitaries.
“Honestly, this job is just incredibly boring because the President really only utilizes my services to be a glorified fast food delivery girl,” explained Markowitz. “I know all the McDonalds and KFC window station employees by name. I’m actually a bridesmaid in a McDonalds cashier’s upcoming wedding because of how close we’ve gotten every day when I have to pick up Trump’s orders. It’s demeaning how much delivery work I have to do. Sometimes heads of state from other countries will come to the White House, but, even then, President Trump’s menu choices all revolve around fried foods and ice cream. I didn’t go to elite culinary schools or subject myself to rigorous vetting by the Secret Service for a White House position just to drop endless bags of potatoes and chicken into the fryer.”
Markowitz’s next endeavor is to write a tell-all book about her time in the White House kitchen.
“I actually got an inside look at how the White House operates,” she said, “and, let me tell you, as bad as you think it is, it’s way worse. I saw some real weird shit.”
Below are several preview excerpts Markowitz’s publisher has shared with The Halfway Post:
- President Trump loves M&M candies in his ice cream, but makes Chef Markowitz remove all the brown ones. Her predecessor was fired when Trump found a single brown M&M he had missed.
- Trump claimed to French President Macron that he invented the recipe to the McDonalds Big Mac.
- When Trump eats Taco Bell tacos or burritos, and some of the meat or beans fall out, he yells out to whoever is dining with him that “the wall just got ten feet higher.”
- Trump’s favorite pizza topping is sauerkraut.
- Trump critiques the Diet Coke cans he drinks like a scotch aficionado would rate a fine whiskey, with Trump often making comments on each can’s flavor profile, as well as how it smells “on the nose.”
- Trump leaves lipstick stains on all the straws he uses.
- Trump often comments to Republican guests that climate change can’t be real because ice cream still exists.
- Trump forbids vegetables from being served. Markowitz once described asparagus, and Trump said he had never heard of it. When showed a picture, he claimed it was “fake news.”
- Trump delicately takes off all the skin of his fried chicken with a knife and fork, and sets it to the side of his plate. Then, he removes all the lean meat and discards it. The fat that’s left he wraps up inside the pieces of skin, and eats it, often slurping the fat out of the middle like an oyster. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe threw up the first time he had dinner with Trump and witnessed this.
- The only part of a chicken Trump eats is the breasts. He and Senior Adviser Stephen Miller have had several discussions on what they think human breasts taste like. Miller described the taste with such vivid detail and creepy confidence that Markowitz believes he has really eaten human meat before.
- Donald Trump is adamant that President Obama “had to have” eaten more fried chicken than him, despite vigorous disagreement from White House staff members.
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