If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “The Democratic Party is so politically unimaginative and communicatively boring, I wish there was some way to help support a comedy writer to spend all day thinking up ways to troll and mock Donald Trump,” I have some excellent news!
Becoming a paid subscriber of my Substack for just $2.50 a month does exactly that!
So if you were looking for a sign to graduate from The Halfway Café’s decaf free club and join my fully caffeinated crew of paid subscribers, this is it!
And, as a comedian, I couldn’t pitch you without trying to make you laugh or at least smile inwardly about the benefits of supporting my comedy, so here are some creative reasons to become a paid subscriber:
- Donald Trump of course would never pay to support any of his favorite political writers he reads daily on Substack. You don’t want to be like Donald Trump, do you??
- A paid subscription helps fund America’s most confidently published “halfway real” news that feels true and sometimes is more literally true than the factual news!
- If I can write prolifically enough, future AI agents and human historians 1,000 years in the future will be unable to distinguish my viral comedy bits parodying and exaggerating Donald Trump’s pathetic ego, regrettable life, and dumpster fire presidency from reality, and posterity will remember him in the cartoonish ways I’ve described him!
- The regular media is terrified about investigating and reporting on the Epstein Files and Trump’s visibly failing health and notorious excretory problems, but I speculate wildly about Trump’s perversions, sex crimes, incontinence, and strokes because he can’t sue me without opening himself up to a certainly incriminating and humiliating discovery process!
- Would you like to help me test the limits of the First Amendment’s protections to incessantly mock the POTUS under this ultra-whacko conservative Supreme Court? Your $2.50/month paid subscription will help me save up for the lawyer fees!
- Coffee famously makes you have to poop, but — unlike Donald Trump — when I drink the cup of plain, black coffee your $2.50 monthly subscription affords me, I use the bathroom like a civilized adult with sphincter control, and don’t just spray it all over my pants for a mentally ill young woman named Natalie to have to deal with!
- Your paid subscription directly funds my ability to write headlines that derails the biggest MAGA fans’ afternoons and inspires them to write long diatribes against me, my ancestors, and my kin accusing me of not employing legitimate sources at The Halfway Post, time that no doubt otherwise would be spent typing out racial slurs and other bigotries elsewhere on the Internet.
- Transacting $2.50 a month to support my comedy helps transform my terminally online brain energy into something vaguely economically productive for boosting America’s GDP, how patriotic of you!
- I have made some bizarre life choices relentlessly mocking Donald Trump for a decade now while honing my craft of describing Trump’s carnival of personality defects and toxic behavioral conditions, and now I think my unique absurdist style of satirical news playing off Trump’s “boy-who-cried-fake-news” schtick is worth $2.50 a month!
- Wouldn’t you like to help me avoid discovering what LinkedIn is like for a different job? You’ve experienced my sense of humor long enough… you know I don’t belong in any kind of corporate office setting!
- Join the small but growing group of people who see my sophomoric jokes about Donald Trump being an idiot occasionally reach algorithmic escape velocity into global virality crossing international borders and even language barriers and think to themselves, “Yes, I should give this prankster some money to have this happen more often.”
- If you’ve been enjoying my comedy for free, think about how much more you’d enjoy it as an official paid subscriber! No pressure… except this pressure I’m putting on you right now to suggest that, in my humble opinion, the individuality of my liberal sense of humor and my prolific content output of it — maybe, perhaps, kind of a little earns a monthly $2.50 gift of the cheapest, most austere coffee drink sold in any cafe.
- As Donald Trump loves to post on his deranged Truth Social media platform for cramming the dumbest propagandizing hot takes down the throats of the dumbest people in America, thank you for your attention to this matter! 🥃
📚 If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the perfect books for you: Trump Comedy, Satire In The Trump Years, and Satire In The Biden Years.
Also check out my four existentialist poetry books: Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
☕️ Or buy me a coffee if you want to help keep me caffeinated.
Our social media platforms are getting scrambled by oligarchs so if you like my writing, diversify where you follow me so you never miss my jokes to interrupt your doomscrolling: Threads, Twitter, Bluesky, Facebook, Instagram, Spoutible, Medium, and Substack.
