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- The Florida pastor who claimed that if Republicans lose control of Congress in the midterms Satan will conquer the US and force everyone at gunpoint to turn gay or trans or both just got arrested after his secret meth lab in his church’s basement caught fire.
- A new poll found the Tate Brothers’ name recognition has plummeted since they were imprisoned, and Gen Z boys are forgetting the Tates’ superficial content (of inauthentically posing as rich while performing the gayest toxic masculinity on the Internet) ever existed.
- White House insiders say Trump is no longer capable of perceiving his historic disapproval because he spends all day and night with Natalie Harp “freebasing AI videos of himself like a crackhead.”
- The giant urinal installation in Omaha that lets you pee on pictures of Trump’s face for $1 to raise money for the farmers and ranchers Trump’s trade policies have bankrupted is raising so much money that two more are being installed in Des Moines and Wichita.
- Economists are warning that the damage Trump’s trade policies are doing to the economy “will raise the unemployment rate next year higher than the age of Trump and Epstein’s victims.”
- Trump is reportedly getting angrier by the day at Democrats’ “blue wave” surge in the polls because he knows if they win control of Congress they’ll revoke all funding for the renovation of his Qatari bribe plane and scrap it before he can ride it even once.
- Pete Hegseth is reportedly not interested in doing his exercise photo-ops at any of the twenty US bases in the Middle East that Iran bombed or destroyed.
- Mitch McConnell reportedly called Democrats “machiavellian,” “cold-blooded,” and “remorseless” for suggesting they’d block the confirmation of any Supreme Court justices for the next two years.
- A new poll aggregation found that every time a Republican candidate does an event with Trump their Democratic or independent challenger gains 2% in the race.
- Trump reportedly spends so many hours watching AI videos of himself that his scheme to have federal agents steal hundreds of thousands of ballots from the swing states to rig the midterms and create a Constitutional crisis is “6 months behind schedule.”
- A liberal billionaire is reportedly funding a large “Trump Is A Bitch” protest made up of elderly veterans from World War II, Korea, and Vietnam to parade around Congress chanting that they did not sacrifice for Trump to destroy American democracy.
- The public urinal installations with pictures of Trump’s face in Omaha, Wichita, and Des Moines that let you pee on them for $1 to raise money for the farmers and ranchers he bankrupted are now selling beer too to both raise more money and induce greater urinary volume.
- Trump is reportedly pissed because all his ideas to blame Iran and China for meddling in the midterms as an excuse to confiscate ballots and rig the elections make it seem like it’s his fault his administration is too incompetent to manage election security.
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