Paid subscriptions for just $2.50 a month are what allow me to write joke headlines all day. If you enjoy my daily humor, consider becoming a paid subscriber.
- Pete Hegseth’s new military policy of annually checking male soldiers’ “anal hymens” along with their testosterone levels in order to screen out gay soldiers reportedly begins tomorrow.
- A new poll found 74% of Americans believe Jared Kushner has “likely committed treason” by sabotaging the Iranian peace negotiations acting as an agent of Israel to force the US into war while profiting from owning stakes in several Israeli military-industrial companies.
- A top GOP official in Texas says, “It looks like we f*cked ourselves with gerrymandering. We watered down all the red districts to steal as many blue ones as possible, and now because voters turned against us we’ll lose many more seats than if we hadn’t tried to cheat.”
- Trump claims that if voters keep Republicans in control of Congress, he’ll release all the Epstein Files, “for real this time.”
- Iranian officials say they will soon release the audio of several voicemails Trump left them in which he begs, threatens, attempts to bribe, and finally cries for them to open up the Strait of Hormuz so gas prices will go down before Americans vote on November 3rd.
- The brand new “lust-free gym” in Georgia that bans women so Christian men can lift weights without distractions is reportedly having “Sodom and Gomorrah problems” in their locker rooms.
- Trump is reportedly furious because the annual ranking of US presidents by a committee of 100 top presidential historians was released today, and the committee almost unanimously ranked Trump’s second term as the worst in US history.
- A new pro-democracy group is reportedly hiring hundreds of WWII veterans who wouldn’t mind one last opportunity to shoot fascists as armed escorts to accompany the transportation of all the states’ midterm ballots in case Trump’s goons try to steal the ballots.
- Lame duck senators John Cornyn and Thom Tillis say that, if Trump declares martial law because Democrats win both chambers of Congress in the midterms, they’ll send him “very strongly worded letters” before ultimately voting to let him suspend US democracy indefinitely.
- Senator Susan Collins feels Maine voters will “regret” not having her in the Senate to tell the media she’s “concerned” about Trump’s illegal and immoral agenda, and voting against it once enough Republican votes are secured to guarantee passage anyway.
- Top GOP officials are warning voters that if Democrats win Congress they’ll investigate Eric and Don Jr.’s military contracts, Jared Kushner’s freelancing foreign policy, Ivanka’s Albanian Epstein island, and Donald Trump’s crypto fraud and stock trades.
- Top GOP officials are reportedly worried that, if Democrats win Congress, Trump will do the political equivalent of declaring bankruptcy and screwing his investors by resigning and passing the bill to JD Vance to pay for all the dumpster fires he created.
- Jared Kushner is reportedly nervous about the Trump Administration’s policy change to publicly televised executions because his war profiteering and influence-peddling schemes behind Secretary of State Marco Rubio’s back could arguably be prosecuted as treason.
- A group of registered sex-offenders are organizing several Texas rallies in Dallas, Austin, and Houston to show their support for Ken Paxton, Donald Trump, and Todd Blanche, and thank them for “tirelessly protecting sex-traffickers and pedophiles.”
- Which headline was your favorite? Tell me in the comments!
- If you enjoy my Dadaist graffiti news, become a paid subscriber for just $2.50 a month! 🥃
Our social media platforms are getting scrambled by the oligarchs so diversify where you follow me so you never miss my jokes in your doomscrolling: Threads, Twitter, Bluesky, Facebook, Instagram, Spoutible, Medium, and Substack.
📚 If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the perfect books for you: Trump Comedy, Satire In The Trump Years, and Satire In The Biden Years.
Also check out my four existentialist poetry books: Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
☕️ Or buy me a coffee if you want to help keep me caffeinated to write comedy all day.
