Donald Trump’s plummeting approval ratings are raising the likelihood Democrats win surprising majorities in the House and Senate, and Trump staffers are struggling to come up with a slogan for Trump to use when campaigning for the Republican Senate candidates.
The following are the best ideas Republicans have come up with so far:
- “Keep Congress in Republican hands because it’ll own the libs, and owning the libs is way better and more fun than having healthcare, wage growth, deflation, stockpiles of defense weapons, justice for the Epstein victims, democracy, infrastructure, or reproductive freedom!”
- “November 3rd: come and take our country back (even though currently Republicans have full control of the entire federal government).
- “Everything doesn’t suck THAT bad.”
- “Remember that Vietnam went on WAY longer than this teeny-tiny Iran misunderstanding!”
- “If God didn’t want Trump to be president, SURELY he would have had a debilitating stroke or heart attack by now! Checkmate libtards! There’s no way Trump’s arteries are continuing to pump blood through all that McDonald’s trans fat sludge without constant Godly intervention!”
- “Speaker Mike Johnson will do anything I say, and I mean ANYTHING!”
- “Vote straight-ticket Republican because there are still some democratic norms and institutional guardrails Trump hasn’t had enough time yet to smash and destroy!”
- “Don’t you want to see me appoint Ted Cruz to the Supreme Court??”
- “Vote for Trump because a Democratic Congress will be way too mean raising taxes on all the average, working-class Americans who have big yachts with smaller yachts inside of them!”
- “Join the Trump Youth!” (Blonde girls aged 12–18 only)
- “You know what we haven’t done in a while? Look the other way as the Saudi monarchy mutilates an American resident journalist! It made gas prices go down the last time we did that, maybe they’ll go down again!”
- “If Republicans don’t expand their House and Senate majorities, the midterms were rigged! [NOTE: try again to convince Fox News they won’t be sued for three-fourths of a billion dollars again if they help us with another round of rigged election claims!]
- “Trump alone can fix it, for real this time!”
- “Vote for Republicans to keep rubber stamping the Trump Administration’s policies because Stephen Miller’s concentration camp project needs two more years in order to get off the ground, and he hasn’t even finished one liberal-centipede yet!”
- “Vote Republican because Russia hasn’t fully got back its investment yet!”
- “Whether you’re a zionist billionaire, or an incel Nazi, Donald Trump somehow has the Jewish policies for you!”
- “Jared Kushner’s secret deals with Israelis to steal Gazan land and develop luxury real estate properties, and backroom handshakes with Russian oligarchs for metal and mineral development of the Ukrainian land Putin stole were maybe outside the State Department and behind the back of Secretary of State Marco Rubio, and a Democratic Congress subpoenaing all his communications might reveal what some prosecutors could theoretically argue in a court of law is ‘treason.’ him for committing treason. Also, his arms deals supplying the IDF with the weapons they’re using to blow up every single standing structure in Gaza while he’s claiming to be a good faith negotiator in peace talks with Hamas is a giant conflict of interest that international justice courts might want to extradite him to a European prison over. But think of how much winning it will be for America if Jared can build those fancy hotels on Gaza beaches, or get a cut of every rare earth shipment Russia exports from the Donbas! Also, uh, Trump will give ever American a $5,000 check to thank them for letting Jared make so many amazing deals profiting off Netanyahu’s zionist apartheid and Putin’s late-stage-dictatorship land grab! We promise! Everyone will get a $5,000 check two weeks after the election!”
- “Aren’t you thankful Trump is publicly racist so all your racisms are excused!”
- “Don Jr. and Eric finally have a good thing going on with their billions of dollars in government contracts going to drone and arms companies they’re on the boards of, don’t take that away from them!”
- “Trump is not a liar, only everyone else is!”
- “This time, Trump really WILL stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and start shooting people!”
- “Remember Trump is on the ballot, and remember that big problems require totally normal sized hands that aren’t small at all no matter what the lying fake news says!”
- “Donald Trump has never read the Bible, so he’ll never accuse you of acting unChristian or being a hypocrite like the atheist liberal jerks!”
- “If Republicans keep Congress, Trump will fire JD Vance and appoint Ivanka as his new Vice President to bring sexy (and sex…JK but Trump could if she weren’t his daughter!) back to the White House!”
- “Except for several exceptions, Donald Trump is just like Jesus!”
Quick note too that I had a couple recent Substack Live chats you can watch. First up, I talked with the smart, quick-witted Ginny Hogan about political comedy in the Trump era:
Dash Talks With Ginny Hogan About Comedy
Ginny Hogan just published a hilarious new book, “Obey in Advance: How to Survive and Thrive Under Authoritarianism,”…thehalfwaycafe.substack.com
And I also chatted with Walter Rhein and Ben Ulansey about film, AI, toxic masculinity, and more:
What Motivates AI, and What Can We Do to Teach Men to Abandon Toxic Masculinity?
Escapist delights with Ben Ulansey and Dash of The Halfway Cafesubstack.com
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📚 If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the perfect books for you: Trump Comedy, Satire In The Trump Years, and Satire In The Biden Years.
Also check out my four existentialist poetry books: Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
☕️ Or buy me a coffee if you want to help keep me caffeinated to write comedy all day.
