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- Donald Trump is reportedly furious with Zelenskyy because his Truth Social app is now “ruined” without all the Russian bots spamming endless AI videos of him as a superhero or Jesus, and his app now just shows real people complaining about how everything sucks.
- Trump is reportedly worried his supporters will figure out that his decision to begin buying diesel fuel from Russia is another indication his Iran War has been a giant failure that wrecked the global supply chain of energy and is now skyrocketing oil prices.
- A top GOP official just said, “Trump calling for Zelenksyy’s removal is the last straw. I can’t pretend anymore Putin doesn’t own him somehow. And Trump is such an amoral pervert, I can’t even say a pee tape existing is a crazy idea. I hereby quit the Republican Party.”
- A top GOP official accidentally said on a hot mic, “Sending Kash Patel to Russia two weeks before the election is the dumbest yet most unsurprising thing Trump has ever done, and all we Republicans can do is pretend we thought the Putin collusion was a Democratic hoax.”
- Someone reportedly just explained to Pete Hegseth that the reason Mike Johnson adjourned the House until after the election is because Thomas Massie is trying to force a vote to impeach him and everyone knows it will be successful, and now Hegseth is depressed.
- Dozens of countries are reportedly using Trump’s words about Zelenskyy against him and announcing in official press conferences that the Iran War never should have happened, and the US needs a new president.
- Trump is reportedly unwilling to consider learning any lessons, do any self-reflection, or even look in a mirror if Democrats win a massive landslide in the midterms.
- Eric, Don Jr., and Ivanka Trump reportedly think it’s been a long enough break now for them to launch another charitable foundation so they can start spending the donations on their personal expenses again.
- A Texan televangelist claims that, if James Talarico wins, “God Himself will be powerless to stop the gays from shooting their satanic loads all over our faces, and penetrating our pure, virginal, Leviticus-loving anal hymens to paint our colons white with demon jizz!”
- Trump is reportedly trying to force JD Vance to renounce Catholocism and convert religions for a 4th time because of Pope Leo’s advocacy for immigrants, refugees, and AI regulation.
- Kash Patel has reportedly directed FBI recruiters to label prospective agents’ past experiences with bestiality as “poly-species relationships.”
- Ukraine’s drone attacks on the Russian data centers powering dozens of pro-MAGA bot farms have reportedly led to a 92% drop in the number of Twitter accounts posting hundreds of comments a week that begin, “As a Black woman, I can’t support Democrats because…”
- Trump is reportedly willing to switch sides again if Zelenksyy gets a few Ukrainian magazines to put his picture on their covers, gives him a newly created “Ukrainian Peace Prize,” and makes the owner of Kyiv’s tallest building to license and display his name.
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