Paid subscriptions for just $2.50 a month are what allow me to write joke headlines all day. If you enjoy my daily humor, consider becoming a paid subscriber.
- Trump is reportedly threatening to sue Volodymyr Zelenskyy for $5 billion due to the “irreversible damage to the Trump brand” Ukrainian drone attacks on Russian data centers have caused by proving his Truth Social app is populated almost entirely by Russian bots.
- Conservative media influencers are comparing the Ukrainian bombing of Russian data centers that suddenly evaporated 90% of their digital engagement to “9/11, Pearl Harbor, Gettysburg, and Hiroshima combined.”
- Trump is reportedly ordering all US flags to be flown at half-staff tomorrow to honor the millions of Russian bots propping up conservative media that were eliminated by Ukrainian drones this weekend.
- Trump is reportedly furious after finding out the Nobel Committee is planning a brand new “ultra Peace Prize” to award Volodymyr Zelenskyy for liberating the entire Internet from Russian bots.
- The sudden loss of Russian bot farm traffic online and realization that conservative social media is a mirage of Russian subterfuge has reportedly given Republicans in Congress newfound courage to begin criticizing Trump and voting against him.
- Support for Hamas to blow up the Israeli data centers spamming Americans with pro-Trump and radical zionist content is growing, with pundits predicting American social media platforms could turn into utopias of civility without Russian or Israeli propaganda.
- A liberal billionaire reportedly just bought 50 billboards along the major highways of Alaska, Texas, Iowa, Nebraska, Kansas, Maine, and Ohio that say, “EVERYTHING SUCKS SINCE TRUMP TOOK OVER, AND REPUBLICANS IN CONGRESS WON’T AND CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.”
- Trump reportedly screamed at his newest lawyer today after she drafted a lawsuit to sue the Democrats accusing him of raping kids with Epstein thinking Trump would appreciate it instead of freaking out about what the discovery phase of the lawsuit would reveal.
- Trump reportedly had so much free time this weekend after all the Russian bots vanished from his Truth Social app and stopped spamming hundreds of AI videos featuring him as a general, superhero, or Jesus for him to watch that he actually figured out an Obamacare replacement plan.
- Trump is reportedly asking his staff if they think he should try staging another assassination attempt to boost the GOP’s collapsed midterm enthusiasm, or if they think it’d be a “jumping the shark” moment where everyone rolls their eyes and turns against him.
- A new viral trend on TikTok is motivating young Gen Z women to go to churches and interrupt the services by asking when the pastor will call for Trump to be stoned for adultery like is demanded in Deuteronomy 22:22.
- Vladimir Putin is reportedly worried that Trump is too demented and politically impotent to collude with effectively anymore, and he might as well just release the blackmail tapes of Trump having sex with kids and roll the dice with JD Vance, who seems to really hate Zelenskyy.
- Trump is reportedly furious after asking his staffers why no one on Truth Social was posting how he’s the greatest president ever anymore, and one of his staffers had to explain how Ukraine bombed several Russian bot farms, and no one on Truth Social is real.
- Which headline was your favorite? Tell me in the comments!
- If you enjoy my Dadaist graffiti news, become a paid subscriber for just $2.50 a month! 🥃
Our social media platforms are getting scrambled by the oligarchs so diversify where you follow me so you never miss my jokes in your doomscrolling: Threads, Twitter, Bluesky, Facebook, Instagram, Spoutible, Medium, and Substack.
📚 If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the perfect books for you: Trump Comedy, Satire In The Trump Years, and Satire In The Biden Years.
Also check out my four existentialist poetry books: Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
☕️ Or buy me a coffee if you want to help keep me caffeinated to write comedy all day.
