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- Mar-a-Lago has reportedly posted photos of Kimberly Guilfoyle’s face everywhere with directions for staff to alert security immediately if she somehow sneaks inside.
- Donald Trump is reportedly pissed after asking his staff why his Truth Social feed is suddenly full of complaints about gas prices, inflation, and the Iran War, and one staffer explained that, without millions of Russian bots, he was finally seeing real people’s posts.
- The Secret Service at Mar-a-Lago are reportedly looking around to make sure Kimberly Guilfoyle isn’t sneaking in, but they’re having trouble distinguishing Guilfoyle’s face from all the other women who have undergone similarly unconventional plastic surgeries.
- JD Vance is reportedly angrier at Zelenskyy than ever after Vance’s favorite furniture influencer account turned out to be a Russian bot, and it disappeared along with all the slutty posts he saved of scantily upholstered couches showing off their ample cushions.
- Trump reportedly screamed at the executives of his Truth Social app this morning after he posted a poll yesterday that resulted in only 36% of users answering that they approve of his presidency instead of the usual result of 98% boosted by millions of Russian bots.
- The number one viral video on several top pornography websites is a 15-minute time lapse video of Russia’s data centers burning to the ground.
- Trump’s newest lawyer on her first day reportedly asked the other lawyers why Trump hasn’t sued the Democrats accusing him of raping children with Epstein, and the other lawyers laughed until they realized she was serious, and then said, “That’s adorable.”
- This unusually late heat wave created a sticky situation in the White House today when Trump, while standing next to a fan, soiled his diaper and accidentally sprayed wet fecal particles all over Marco Rubio.
- Trump has reportedly begun threatening Senate Republicans preemptively not to vote with the future Democratic Congress to remove him from office because he knows New York has many legal routes to prosecute him and lock him up if he loses presidential immunity.
- Trump was reportedly too angry to golf today after the 2026 Annual Historians’ Presidential Ranking honored him with the historic distinction of being the only two-term president whose both terms are ranked in the bottom five.
- Vladimir Putin and Benjamin Netanyahu are reportedly both sick of Trump because of how incompetent, dishonest, and exhausting he is, and are now fighting amongst each other over the timing of releasing their blackmail files on Trump to get him impeached and removed from office to destabilize the United States geopolitically.
- Executives at Twitter and Facebook are reportedly struggling to explain how accepting millions of dollars from Russian operatives to flood their platforms with propaganda bots pitting Americans against each other to destabilize American society isn’t “textbook treason.”
- Peter Thiel is reportedly willing to put his human suit disguise back on, come out of his Argentinian bunker, and move back to the US if his sugar baby JD Vance becomes president.
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