Kimberly Guilfoyle is furious that she just got fired from her job as America’s top diplomat in Greece for “getting carried away with corruption” despite how much more corruption everyone else in the administration is doing.
Now she is reportedly blackmailing President Trump with a book full of Trump family secrets she has compiled to force him to pardons her, give her a new flashy, low-work job in the government, and buy her new, bigger lips.
The following are secrets she has revealed to journalists to prove to Trump her threats are not empty:
- There are hidden cameras everywhere in all his hotels.
- Trump has never once ridden in a car with Melania or Barron because Melania forbids it.
- The Secret Service had to start offering bonuses to drivers of the presidential limousine because Trump smells so bad. The agents quietly went on strike in January at the start of his second term, and refused to drive him without extra “stench pay.” It made Trump furious because the strike made him miss a few days of golf.
- Trump uses a finger-lengthening contraption each morning for a half hour.
- Trump is a big fan of the Swedish pop group ABBA, and on motorcade rides likes to blast the song “Dancing Queen.” Occasionally when he hears the lyrics, “You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen,” he’ll tells anyone riding with him, “Epstein used to love this song.”
- The floor mats in the back seats of the presidential limousine have to be replaced monthly because of how much fried chicken Trump eats messily dropping greasy crumbs everywhere and then grinding them into the fabric under his shoes when he gets in and out.
- Trump has accidentally texted Don Jr., “Ivanka, u up?” several times after midnight.
- Trump occasionally asks his Secret Service drivers to run over people just to see how they react and test how loyal they are.
- Trump once asked his lawyers whether, “Hypothetically speaking, presidential immunity would protect someone for selling nuclear secrets to Saudi Arabia in exchange for, again purely hypothetically, hosting annual LIV golf championships at his resorts.”
- None of Trump’s kids ever eat ketchup because of the trauma Trump has inflicted on them throwing bottles of it every time he gets mad. Trump once sprayed ketchup into Don Jr.’s eyes and told him he wish he had aborted him.
- Kim Jong Un once catfished Trump pretending to be a sexy, teenaged aspiring model from North Korea, and got him to text the North Korean intelligence service a picture of his genitals.
- Trump farts constantly, and then blames other people in the room.
- Trump regularly tries to convince other leaders visiting the White House to invest in his crypto currency company by promising it’s not a pump and dump scheme, but also promising that, if he does decide to do a rug pull on all his investors, he’ll give them a warning ahead of time.
- Once a month Trump likes to go on a long drive with a Republican member of Congress he’s upset with into the middle of nowhere in Virginia farm country, and leave him or her there to walk back alone to D.C. Most often it’s Mike Johnson when he gets uncomfortable about adjourning the House for weeks at a time so Thomas Massie can’t force votes on releasing the Epstein Files or impeaching Pete Hegseth.
- The White House staff had to print and hang a copy of the official portrait of Barack Obama because of how often Trump throws a bottle of ketchup at it when he hears the latest poll numbers, his new, lower approval rating, or Iran refuses to surrender to him.
- Following every meeting or phone call with an Asian diplomat or leader, Trump talks with an exaggerated Asian accent for about fifteen minutes.
- Trump recommends to everyone that they spend their next vacation in Moscow because “Russian girls are into some crazy stuff.”
- Trump sometimes plays up his dementia as an excuse to “accidentally” walk into women’s bathrooms and claim he didn’t see the sign when he gets caught, which is always really awkward for Secret Service agents to have to witness and then pay off the women inside to sign a nondisclosure agreement.
- Trump has golf ball launchers at all of his golf courses with the coordinates to every hole saved so that when he hits a bad drive, one of his course employees will fire a new golf ball close to the hole.
- After every ride in a motorcade or golf cart Trump tells his drivers, “I’d tip you but I don’t have any cash, so I promise I’ll tip you big on the next one.”
- The Secret Service had to triple its golf cart fleet and pay for storage space in foreign countries to store them because Trump refuses to walk anywhere, even when attending ceremonial events outside with other leaders, including female leaders wearing heels.
- Eric used to steal Pokémon cards from the kids with cancer his charity pretended to be raising money for, and it’s how he got his holographic Charizard card.
- Trump sometimes makes long phone calls where he listens a lot, and says things like, “NATO is ripping us off, you’re right,” “Ukraine is ripping us off, you’re right,” and “the US should tell Poland, the Baltic states, South Korea, Japan, and the European Union to fuck off, you’re right,” and then announce after he hung up, “That wasn’t Putin I was talking to by the way, it was — uh — Barron, yeah, Barron was asking me questions about his college homework.”
- Jared and Ivanka’s Albanian island was their attempt to start back up the Epstein billionaire sex-trafficking-blackmail operation.
- Eric and Don Jr. used to practice French-kissing with each other until age 15 so they’d be good at it when they got girlfriends.
- The Secret Service has to regularly invent security-related excuses for why young women Trump invites to ride alone in his motorcade with him can’t in order to save the government millions of dollars in under-the-table hush money payouts.
- Trump has asked the Secret Service agents if they’d be willing to “pull a Princess Diana” at various times on Melania, Mike Pence, Kevin McCarthy, Mike Johnson, and Eric.
- Trump has a tattoo of his own signature on his mons pubis.
- If you enjoy my Dadaist graffiti news, become a paid subscriber for just $2.50 a month! 🥃
Our social media platforms are getting scrambled by the oligarchs so diversify where you follow me so you never miss my jokes in your doomscrolling: Threads, Twitter, Bluesky, Facebook, Instagram, Spoutible, Medium, and Substack.
📚 If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the perfect books for you: Trump Comedy, Satire In The Trump Years, and Satire In The Biden Years.
Also check out my four existentialist poetry books: Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
☕️ Or buy me a coffee if you want to help keep me caffeinated to write comedy all day.
