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- White House insiders say Kimberly Guilfoyle has “substantial blackmail” on the Trump Family because Don Jr. “talks too much,” “takes too many drugs,” “is desperate to fit in and be liked,” “hates his siblings and talks nonstop shit on them,” and “is easily manipulated by basic, lazy expressions of affection” after a childhood from never getting any from his father.
- Top GOP officials reportedly sent out multiple party-wide memos demanding all Republicans “immediately stop compiling books of the Trump family’s immoral and illegal actions to use for blackmail purposes” in the event they’re ever fired like Kimberly Guilfoyle.
- A new poll found 65% of Americans think Elon Musk turned off Starlink in Ukraine because the data center bombings revealed his X app, Tesla and SpaceX stock values, net worth, and election schemes are entirely dependent on millions of Russian bots attacking his critics.
- Kimberly Guilfoyle reportedly wants hush money from Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner to stay quiet about all the secrets Don Jr. told her about Jared’s war profiteering and business deals in Gaza that The Hague might find “very interesting to know.”
- Kimberly Guilfoyle is reportedly threatening that to release incriminating documents on Trump unless he gives her a pardon, a suitcase full of cash, free Mar-a-Lago membership, new bigger lips, a flashy replacement job, and Don Jr. must divorce his new wife, call up his Russian sugar daddy to pay for an even bigger wedding to her, and also pay off her $100,000 credit card bill.
- Dozens of staffers in the Trump Administration are reportedly beginning to think about how the earliest immunity deals are the best immunity deals.
- White House insiders are worried Kimberly Guilfoyle has more blackmail on the Trump family than even the Russians because of how much Don Jr. brags openly about “owning the libs” with the crimes they get away with.
- A top GOP official accidentally said on a hot mic, “We Republicans don’t care at all about rising inflation, unemployment, and the debt. Democrats are about to win big in the midterms, and then they’ll likely win the White House in 2028, so it’s their problem to deal with! Then we’ll blame them constantly for not fixing everything fast enough, and we’ll win back the House in 2030 to start obstructing everything enough to have a real shot at returning to the White House in 2032! That’s the Republican playbook! Wait, is this thing still on?”
- Kimberly Guilfoyle is reportedly interested in starting a bidding war between dozens of media companies over all the Trump family secrets she knows, and she’ll let Donald Trump join in on the bidding if he wants to pay to keep her quiet.
- Kash Patel says Putin assured him Russia has no blackmail on Donald Trump, and the rumors that Trump partied with prostitutes, demanded golden showers on a bed Obama slept in, abused several kids, caught syphilis, and agreed to begin laundering Russian money are just rumors.
- Kash Patel’s FBI recruiters are reportedly now labeling prospective agents’ past experiences with bestiality as “temporary pansexual polyspecies relationships.”
- Top White House advisers are reportedly worried staffers will soon begin racing each other for the earliest, most generous deals to rat out everyone else for immunity.
- Elon Musk is reportedly worried that, if millions of Russian bots stop worshipping him on X and attacking all his critics, then his investors will sell their meme stock holdings in Tesla and SpaceX, and his house of cards hiding X’s debts will collapse and bankrupt him.
- White House insiders say Trump is so “apocalyptically angry” at Don Jr. for this Kimberly Guilfoyle extortion situation that he ordered Don Jr. to legally change his name.
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