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- Trump is reportedly bringing back Rudy Giuliani to shake things up, and baselessly allege a lot of fraud, and maybe strike out a lot in court, but make a big fuss and spread conspiracy theories in case the blue wave is so big they have to try another January coup.
- Trump reportedly screamed at the executives of Truth Social this morning because the exodus of Russian bots has left only a few hundred users who are actually real people sharing photos of them burning their MAGA hats.
- Mike Johnson just announced he’s too busy with the midterms to read the news, so all questions about Donald Trump’s corruption, the Iran War, the administration’s constant abuses of power, the politicized prosecution of Ilhan Omar, or Trump’s attempts to rig the midterms won’t be addressed until at least November 4th.
- Natalie Harp reportedly put powdered Nyquil in Katie Zacharia’s coffee before her disastrous first press conference to sabotage her because she wants to be the only Ivanka-looking, young blonde woman hanging around Trump every day and carrying his absurdly large garbage bag full of, most likely, used diapers.
- Kimberly Guilfoyle is reportedly threatening to leak “fatal blackmail” on the Trump family unless Don Jr. divorces his new wife, and gets his Russian sugar daddy to pay for an even bigger wedding to marry her, and also take care of that still unpaid $100K credit card bill no one’s take care of yet.
- A new poll found that 96% of Americans support forcing Donald Trump’s Batman-villain-looking convicted felon buddy who totally botched the Reflecting Pool renovation to give taxpayers a full refund of the $16 million he charged.
- Trump is reportedly threatening to release all the blackmail he has collected on Republican members of Congress if Democrats win both the Senate and the House because they’ll all be useless to him anyway.
- Gullible Elon Musk fanboys who believe Tesla’s new “flying Roadster” will ever be legal or commercially available say they can’t wait to do a barrel roll over the heads of the women who leave halfway through their first dates and tell them to never text or call again.
- Trump is reportedly mad at everyone because Republicans are losing Congress, and Pete Hegseth, Kash Patel, and RFK Jr. will all be impeached, and several staffers are in giant corruption scandals and currently blackmailing him for hush money, and Jared Kushner ruined his presidency by duping him with secret schemes of collusion with Netanyahu behind his back to start the Iran War.
- Trump has reportedly floated the idea with Don Jr. to divorce his wife and get back with Kimberly Guilfoyle to “keep her quiet” until the end of his presidency.
- Several of the top gay dating sites are reportedly installing extra servers in preparation for handling the expected surge in hookup traffic on the night of November 3rd from Republicans trying to drown their sorrows about the massive blue wave and spiraling inevitable death of the MAGA movement with sweet, delicious, hypocritical cock.
- Trump claims if Democrats win control of Congress they’ll start a forever war in the Middle East.
- A top GOP official accidentally said on a hot mic, “This Texas Senate race is literally the meme about ‘Puppies For Everyone’ polling at 50.1% against ‘Diarrhea Forever’ polling at 49.9%. James Talarico is like the perfect boy scout candidate engineered in a lab for likeability blending Christian values, good-natured moderate politics, and general positivity. Ken Paxton is like a giant, dumbass ogre compared to him. Paxton is stupid, ugly, uninspiring, and he doesn’t even try to hide his corruption or sexual affairs. The guy is the sleaziest candidate from any state this midterm cycle! And, goddammit, he’s fucking ugly! He’s got one eye on Donald Trump’s bitch ass to make sure he knows what and how to rubber stamp because he’s a lazy, slobby moron with no passion for improving the public good, and his other crooked eye is looking around for real estate quid pro quo deals to launder Texan taxpayer money into. Three years ago, the Republican Texas House voted 121 to 23 to impeach him on 20 articles of impeachment involving bribery, abuse of office, obstruction, and misusing public resources. He is the worst candidate I think have ever seen in my life, and he’s going to lose such a winnable race as Texas. Texas! The state that keeps fucking electing Ted Cruz! John Cornyn would be sailing to an easy victory, but Donald Trump had to be a little bitch because John Cornyn was only a 98% total pussy fascist sellout, instead of a 100% pussy fascist sellout like Ken Paxton would be! Paxton’s entire campaign is being funded by Elon Musk, and has devolved into calling James Talarico gay. I hate to say it, but we Republicans deserve to just be destroyed in November. This party is a goddamn dumpster fire, and it’s all because Donald Trump is a giant fucking, goddamn clown-faced egomaniac village idiot — oh, wait — shit — is this thing still on?”
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