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- Donald Trump is reportedly threatening to sue Jared Kushner for ruining his presidency by tricking him into starting the Iran War for Israel.
- CNN’s Scott Jennings was reportedly seen in a gym this afternoon doing a cardio workout while holding an absurdly large garbage bag filled with what looked to be diapers, and he was wearing a long, blonde wig.
- Calls for Elon Musk to be placed under a financial conservatorship are increasing as Musk has wasted an astounding $168 million on super PACs propping up the doomed Texas Senate campaign of Ken Paxton, the worst Senate candidate in 100 years.
- The Secret Service is reportedly having issues with their K9 agents because the dogs whimper when in the same room as Donald Trump given that their noses are 10,000 times more sensitive to rancid scents than humans.
- Trump is reportedly asking his staffers if they think having to fire Katie Zacharia just five days after hiring her as press secretary makes him look like an idiot.
- A local conservative says that every time there’s a gay character on a TV show or movie he’s watching with his 5-year-old son and 7-year-old daughter, “I’m forced to play them an hour of heterosexual pornography to undo all the gay grooming!”
- Congressional Democrats are reportedly hinting that Elon Musk might be having some immigration issues next year when they investigate his admittedly “grey area” employment while on a student visa after dropping out of his university.
- Trump reportedly wants to sue a major D.C. law firm that is now offering pro bono legal services to the first Trump staffer in each governmental department or agency who will whistleblow on the administration’s ubiquitous corruption and abuses of power.
- Top GOP officials are reportedly concerned that Ken Paxton is more concerned about figuring out ways to launder some of the $168 million Elon Musk dumped into his Senate race to buy himself some new real estate than winning the election.
- Melania Trump is reportedly going to start wearing her “I really don’t care, do u?” jacket again if Republicans get destroyed in the midterms.
- “I was fooled by Rudy Giuliani’s manly charisma and sexual magnetism in 2020,” said one of the fake Georgia electors involved in the scheme to submit fraudulent electoral college votes after Trump lost the election, “but I won’t be fooled again by that lying, drunkard pervert!”
- The conservative-leaning Freedom Network’s most watched reality TV show, “Alpha Men Being Alphas,” has paused production because two of its main stars have begun a publicly gay romance.
- Elon Musk reportedly suspects Ken Paxton might be siphoning some of the $168 million he dumped into Paxton’s campaign to buy more real estate for himself, but he can’t say anything about it because he’s desperate for Paxton to win so Democrats don’t win control of Congress and investigate his fraud and monopolies on satellites.
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