12 Serious Midterm Thoughts From The Satirist

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  • 1. The 2028 Senate map is looking real good for Democrats all of a sudden. North Carolina’s Ted Budd and Wisconsin’s Ron Johnson should spend the next two years lining up new jobs. The Republican senators in Alaska (Murkowski), Iowa (Grassley), Kansas (Moran), and Missouri (Schmitt) are no doubt feeling real nervous after their states’ shocking blue swings. Longshot pickups for Democrats include South Carolina, Florida, and Louisiana, but Republicans will have to spend much more money to keep those seats than usual. And, considering Stephen Miller’s ascension as Trump’s chief-of-staff — as well as Republican primary voters’ love for nominating terrible candidates — Indiana, Kentucky, and Alabama deserve some Democratic GOTV infrastructure considering how blue so many of their Congressional districts shifted this time around. A Democratic supermajority winning over 60 Senate seats is very possible!
  • 2. I am still shocked at how giant the blue wave was in Texas. I don’t know of anyone who was anticipating Democrats sweeping the governor, lieutenant governor, and attorney general races. Most fascinating, Abbott won about the same number of votes this time around as he won in 2022, which means Democrats attracted many new voters rather than just flipping tons of Republican voters who will return to the GOP as long as they don’t elect a candidate as terrible as Ken Paxton. If this expanded Democratic electorate shows up again in 2028, the Democratic presidential candidate might easily win the state’s 40 electoral votes, which would give the Republican candidate virtually no path to winning the Electoral College. Hell yeah, Texas.
  • 3. Can Democrats create a big list like the student movement did in Serbia to make a cheat sheet for voting out all the corrupt politicians in 2028 who went along with Trump’s fascist agenda, voted against holding the Epstein Files villains accountable, and used their offices to enrich themselves? It could be bipartisan because there’s some Democrats who are prolific stock traders using their inside knowledge to earn millions of dollars, and it’s past time to clean up the D.C. swamp!
  • 4. Trump is a vengeful, toddler-tempered idiot so he probably won’t do this, (and definitely won’t with Stephen Miller in charge of his administration!) but he could actually turn around his second term and preserve some semblance of a respectable legacy if he decided to just ignore Republican ideology and partisan interests — which he has never cared about anyway — and simply sign all the bills the Democratic Congress passes and sends to his desk.
  • 5. Democrats could, and maybe even should, earmark a little funding here and there for his various vanity projects around D.C. to sweeten the deal to ensure his signature. Just like Richard Nixon gets credit for surprisingly liberal accomplishments including establishing the EPA, OSHA, the Clean Air and Clean Water Acts, Title IX’s gender equality, and various extensions for voting rights protections, can you imagine Democrats having to begrudgingly give Trump credit for not vetoing similarly bold liberal legislation? Democrats should maybe just put Trump’s name on the title of all the major laws and acts they pass for healthcare, green energy, minimum wage increases, etc. It’s actually kind of perfectly fitting for Trump’s personality and work ethic to just let Democrats do all the hard work of legislating and then take credit for their achievements. But I’ll allow it if it means America gets the liberal change we just voted for!
  • 6. Marco Rubio is reportedly planning to resign soon. Literally anyone hoping to have a career after Trump should be signing their resignations before the end of the year. But I’d like to point out what a joke of a secretary of state Rubio has been. When he runs for president in 2028 what will he say when asked about Jared Kushner running around behind his back totally outside his State Department’s knowledge selling US foreign policy to the highest bidder? How will he answer for the Trump Administration’s illegal actions in Venezuela, or all the oil money Trump has stolen that no one in the administration can explain where it went?
  • 7. Props to Jon Ossoff, Raphael Warnock, Stacey Abrams, and Keisha Lance Bottoms for turning Georgia from a lean red state into a solid blue state over the last 6 years. The Electoral College math gets super complicated for Republican presidential candidates if they can’t flip Texas and Georgia back. They could win every other swing state and still lose.
  • 8. The Texas blue wave is particularly fun because it totally screws over Ted Cruz. Trump has suggested in the past that he’d appoint Ted Cruz to the Supreme Court (*vomits*). Democrats likely won’t, and shouldn’t, confirm a Supreme Court judge over the next two years, but now it definitely won’t be Cruz because Gina Hinojosa would get to pick his replacement. I think all Americans can agree that no one wants Ted Cruz to get any kind of lifetime appointment.
  • 9. Katie Miller (Stephen’s wife) had a novel excuse for the blue tsunami: Republican women were too busy raising their kids to vote. Hilarious. Isn’t that what Republicans want? Women not voting? I am totally down with Republican men putting their women’s votes where their mouths are by forbidding their wives from voting!
  • 10. JD Vance is blaming the midterm results on the Iran War, and I’m looking forward to see how hard he’ll continue to push back against Trump’s disastrous, unpopular policies to salvage any hope he has to run for president in 2028 while tied completely to Trump’s chaos. Trump might get pissed and ice out Vance entirely.
  • 11. The Gen Z vote swung hard against Republicans, and their “conservative era” is over as fast as it began. Millennials, meanwhile, continue being the bluest generation. Republican voters are old and dying, and Democratic voters are young and taking over!
  • 12. Chuck Grassley is 93 years old, and the Iowa governor who will pick his replacement for the next four years if he dies will be Democratic Governor Rob Sand. Talk about “Exhibit A” for Boomers clinging to their authority and jobs… just kidding, he’s not even a Boomer — he was born in 1933. Republicans want him to retire before January so the outgoing governor can replace him with a Republican, but Grassley doesn’t want to leave. Don’t listen to them, Chuck! Stick it out at least until January!
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