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- At a Fox News executive meeting today one producer reportedly asked if Fox should send reporters to operas, gay bars, drag shows, and other liberal-coded spaces to “understand Democratic voters” and “learn why Republicans allowed themselves to be so gobsmacked by the blue tsunami,” and then all the executives burst out laughing for 30 seconds before deciding on which new Democratic senator they wanted to make the face of their “War on Christmas” content this year.
- Top GOP officials are reportedly astonished the midterms ended up such a historic wipeout even with the mainstream media instituting a total blackout on reporting about the newest Epstein Files introducing more women Donald Trump has personally harassed, assaulted, and participated in trafficking.
- Republicans are concerned Trump will sign Democratic bills next year adding D.C. and Puerto Rico as states because he can’t run again so he doesn’t care if Democrats get four more senators, but he does really want to get credit for making the US map bigger.
- Trump is reportedly filing paperwork right now to sue the United States for $10 billion for “presidential harassment” by taking away Congress from him.
- Several of the top gay hookup apps have reportedly been crashing all week, with one app’s CEO suggesting, “Democrats won such a big landslide I’m not surprised at all that Republican men across America need to blow off some men — I mean steam — well, men of course too.”
- After Ken Paxton was told he lost the election he reportedly shrugged, said, “Yeah, that tracks,” and then pulled up Zillow on his laptop to look for some real estate deals he could buy with some of the leftover money Elon Musk spent on his candidacy that he skimmed for himself.
- The police in the county Elon Musk lives in say residents can stop calling to suggest they do a welfare check because they’ve received hundreds of calls, and are aware of the risk of Musk harming himself over the midterm results and his wasted half-billion dollars.
- Trump reportedly thinks Republicans should blame the wipeout midterms on Mike Johnson, John Thune, Fox News, and all the loser Congressional candidates who lost, and then, if there’s any blame left, he’ll take a teeny-tiny portion of it himself for maybe napping a little too much during the day than he should.
- The Georgia televangelist who claimed God told him that if, Democrats won a giant blue wave landslide in the midterms, the Rapture would occur and all the Christians would rise to Heaven now says he “may have been mistaken” after neither he nor anyone else from his church has disappeared yet.
- Congressional Democrats are reportedly planning to give President Zelenskyy an “unlimited budget for bombing Russian data centers and bot farms” in January.
- Todd Blanche is reportedly worried Democrats’ upcoming investigations into his cover-up of the Epstein Files will ruin his Wikipedia page for the rest of human history.
- Cable news networks reportedly had to delete hundreds of pre-written articles with the phrase “Dems In Disarray” in their headlines.
- 93-year-old Chuck Grassley is reportedly pissed everyone wants him to retire before the new Democratic governor takes over in Iowa, and says the GOP coke orgies need him more than ever following Lindsey Graham’s sudden death and Mitch McConnell’s stroke.
- Top Republicans are worried Democrats will rack up massive legislative accomplishments over the next two years by bribing Donald Trump not to veto them with small budget allocations for his various monument ideas, and then 2028 will be an even bigger blue tsunami.
- Executives at Fox News are reportedly “relieved and elated” that the blue tsunami was so massive that Trump didn’t try to force them to risk another $787 million lawsuit by promoting baseless election fraud claims led by a drunk Rudy Giuliani and in conjunction with Mike Lindell inventing conspiracy theories about how the Democrats are stealing millions of Republican votes in burlap sacks, and then transporting them underground in secret collaboration with an underground civilization of subterranean humans he calls “the Mole People” who take the sacks of votes through the mantle and core of the Earth all the way to China, where the best communist counterfeiters alter the ballots into votes for Democrats, and then the Mole People ferry the votes back through the earth to Democratic field offices.
Which headline was your favorite? Tell me in the comments!
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