Hacker Admits Ted Cruz’s Browser History Is “Really F’ed Up”

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Des Moines, Iowa—

A local computer hacker in Des Moines yesterday claimed to have successfully hacked into Senator Ted Cruz’s (R-TX) personal laptop, but what was found has convinced the hacker to take a break from the hobby.

“Honestly, it was a little terrifying,” said the hacker, who insisted on anonymity. “I was just curious if Cruz’s browser history matched the evangelicalism he campaigns and legislates on, but I was not prepared for what I saw. It’s made me decide that maybe I should go back to respecting people’s privacy.”

The Iowan hacker would not go into gratuitous detail of what he encountered on Cruz’s computer, citing The Halfway Post’s family audience and mission for journalistic decency, but did reveal one broad clue.

“Copious amounts of squirrel porn,” the hacker said. “Like hours and hours of it. And by the looks of it, some of it was homemade. I did a quick Google Maps search and a recurring backyard in some of the videos definitely matched the tree layout of Cruz’s backyard.”

Senator Cruz’s office denied the squirrel-related allegations vehemently, but declined to confirm if the senator’s home computer had been hacked into.

“We are looking into the matter,” said a Cruz staffer, who The Halfway Post interview on the stairs of the Capitol Building. “But I can assure you that if the senator had ever looked at pornography—and I’m not suggesting that the senator ever has—Senator Cruz would certainly only look at Homo sapien pornography.”

Despite the potential legal action Senator Cruz is likely to pursue, the hacker plans to reveal more in coming days.

“It’s ironic because Senator Cruz has voted in Congress to repeal regulations requiring Internet service providers to get users’ permission before selling your data to third-party companies,” said the hacker. “I don’t regret doing the same thing to him. I only regret what I saw—but, literally, I cannot emphasize the word ‘copious’ enough.”

*This story is still developing.*

(Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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