Al Shadaq, Syria—
In a wiretapped phone conversation between regional ISIS leader Muhammed al-Madija and another ISIS commander that leaked to The Halfway Post by an anonymous NSA official, al-Madija expressed frustration that Senate Republicans’ recent Senate healthcare bill made ruining America look so easy.
“We’ve tried bombings, we’ve tried car attacks, we’ve tried knife attacks, but it’s so hard to get to even fifty casualties,” al-Madija said during the call. “But all of a sudden these random Republican senators come along, write a couple healthcare ideas on some pieces of paper, and out of nowhere tens of millions of Americans stand to lose their health insurance while tens of thousands could very well die thanks to ending protections for preexisting conditions. Why didn’t we think of that? This Mitch McConnell fellow might as well be our new caliph the way he’s so good at threatening the infidels! We always say ‘Death to America,’ but he’s actually doing it!”
The Senate healthcare bill has not yet been passed into law, and the bill faces an uphill struggle to pass in the House, but Republican efforts have not been helped by the bill being widely criticized by virtually every single person in America who is not a Republican member of Congress.
However, the bill has earned the fervent support of ISIS.
“What are we doing with swords and suicide vests?” asked al-Madija before hanging up. “From now on let’s start a superPAC and spend all this terror money to get Republicans elected in the US Senate and House!”
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