Steve Bannon, Corrupted By White House Power, Quickly Turning Into Gollum-Like Creature


Washington D.C.—

Steve Bannon, senior advisor to President Donald Trump, has long dreamed of obtaining the political power he now wields just a whisper away from the President’s ear.

Now that he has that power, Mr. Bannon is acting on his long-held anarchist views regarding the US government, referenced to with rare public statements such as that he views the Trump presidency as an unending battle for the “deconstruction of the administrative state.”

Mr. Trump seems to agree, and Mr. Bannon’s influence in the Trump White House has been so conspicuous that some political pundits and commentators have quipped that Bannon is effectively the actual president.

Jokes aside, though, the power has reportedly gone to Mr. Bannon’s head, and in the depths of the White House the out-of-the-spotlight-by-choice Mr. Bannon has become as reclusive as ever.

“Steve has definitely become a more odd person since the stress of the job started kicking in,” said a White House staffer who requested anonymity in order to avoid angering Mr. Bannon. “He used to have an office right next to the Oval, but he said something about there being too much natural light, so he moved to an office in the basement of the White House. It’s really dark, and Bannon prefers blacklight lighting which gives the office this weird purplish glow. Most of the staff are uncomfortable going down there, especially alone.”

Other staff members reached out to The Halfway Post to express worries about the job’s effects on Mr. Bannon’s physical health.

“Steve never goes outside anymore, and he lives full time in that dark office of his,” said another staffer who also requested anonymity. “Because of that, his skin has gotten very pale, and he works so much that his posture is suffering dramatically. His teeth are yellowing, he hasn’t cut his hair since the inauguration, and his worn-down clothes are honestly getting really unprofessional.”

A White House janitor explained that Mr. Bannon has outright demanded that cleaning staff keep out of the basement entirely, a command to which President Trump has agreed.

“I can’t imagine what that office looks like after six-months of custodial neglect,” said Rob Warner, a day-shift custodian. “I haven’t ever seen a trash bag come up from down there, and it’s not like the guy produces no trash. I mean he orders delivery fresh, frozen fish for lunch everyday, but I honestly have no idea how he could possibly cook it down there. I want to say he doesn’t eat it raw, but, again, I’m not allowed to go down there to see for myself.”

A night-shift custodian explained that sometimes after midnight strange noises can be heard coming from the White House basement.

“Sometimes it’s cackle-like laughing that lasts for minutes at a time, sometimes it sounds like howling, and other times it’s just Mr. Bannon talking to himself,” said Deacon Packman, who works the graveyard shift. “We used to listen in, but it’s so creepy that now everyone on the cleaning staff just avoids that stairwell entirely.”

*This story is developing.*

(Picture courtesy of_iBaNe_.)

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