3rd Species Of Marmot Just Went Extinct Supplying Fur For Donald Trump’s Fake “Hair”


Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump’s obviously fake hair has been a source of humor for comedians and political pundits over the last two years of Mr. Trump’s short political career, but it’s not all fun and games for the mammals hunted in order to supply that hair.

Mr. Trump is reportedly very particular about the hair that is implanted into his scalp in order for him to pretend that he’s not balding considerably, and Trump’s favorite hair source comes from the large squirrel genus Marmota.

There were 15 species of marmot two decades ago, but because of Mr. Trump’s interest in marmot fur, several species have been entered into the endangered species list. Two species have gone extinct entirely within the last ten years, and a third, the Himalayan marmot, is believed to be extinct now as well.

The extinctions reportedly anger Trump, though the dramatic decreases in marmot numbers are directly related to his purchases of their fur. Trump pays hefty sums for the marmot fur in order to keep his fake hair looking full, and overhunting to supply Mr. Trump’s demand has decimated marmot populations much faster than expected.

To create the President’s fake scalp, dozens of strands of short marmot fur are sewn together before being implanted, and it takes roughly 3 dead marmots to supply enough fur for one square inch of Trump’s fake hair. Trump reportedly replaces the implants every two weeks to keep his hair looking “tremendous.”

Following the extinction of the Himalayan marmot, Trump’s newest favorite species is the Bobak marmot, which once ranged from central Europe to central Asia. It is becoming harder and harder in recent months for biologists to find Bobak marmots, and Trump’s use of their fur is increasingly becoming a controversial political issue in Eastern European nations that have long revered the Bobaks in their local folklore.

The US Forest Service, meanwhile, has placed the two marmot species native to North America—the groundhog and the Alaskan marmot—on the “critically endangered list” in order to protect them domestically from Trump’s fur coveting. It is now illegal to hunt these two marmots, and resources are being allocated by the Forest Service to help protect these animals from anticipated poaching.

Many environmentalists have spoken out and criticized President Trump for threatening the existence of so many marmot species, and they wish Trump would just embrace the natural aging process.

“If we’re being honest, everyone can tell the President’s hair is fake,” said biologist Fred Larkin, who has served 15 years in the Forest Service. “I mean, what 71 year-old, blond-haired man still has naturally blonde-colored hair? The only reason he looks like he still has blonde coloring is because his head is more marmot now than human. His vanity is literally destroying these noble and magnificent prairie creatures.”

President Trump’s office offered no comment on this story.

(Photo courtesy of David~O.)

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