Donald Trump Threatens A Government Shutdown If Congress Doesn’t Increase His Hair Spray Budget


Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump acknowledged that his four-year White House budget for hair spray has already been used up only seven months into his term, and he threatened the Republican-controlled Congress that he would tweet aggressively against them if they did not immediately raise his hairspray debt ceiling.

If the tweets were not enough persuasion, Mr. Trump promised he would allow the government to shutdown unless Congress gave in to his demands for more hairspray money.

“Maybe the government could use a shutdown so Paul Ryan will finally understand what it takes to MAGA!” Trump tweeted this morning at 3:48 am.

After facing opposition in the House from the anti-spending House Freedom Caucus, Mr. Trump changed his focus to the Senate. In a phone call later in the morning to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, Trump reportedly expressed his willingness to compromise for the hairspray stimulus spending.

“The President expressed his openness to punt on spending for his unpopularly proposed border wall until next year if he could get the hairspray money before September,” said a White House aide who asked for anonymity to discuss internal GOP legislative strategy. “It’s a real firm indication of where the President’s priorities are, and he’s serious about making the rest of the world respect America. Of course, the President could never be taken seriously without the copious amounts of hairspray he uses every morning to mold his hair into an almost realistic looking scalp. This is a necessity for Trump, and it’s obvious because this is the first legislative effort in which the President has actually gotten personally involved. Other efforts, such as the Obamacare repeal bill and infrastructure plans, Trump merely sat back watching cable news television and wanted to claim credit for any achievements while refusing responsibility for any difficulties or failures without actually learning how complicated legislating works. But Trump is 100% focused on this nation’s hairspray industry.”

Trump reportedly hoped McConnell could persuade Speaker of the House Ryan to make the hairspray spending a priority for the House, since that is where monetary appropriation bills must begin according to Congressional rules.

“Mr. Trump is serious about the shutdown, though,” explained the aide. “He says that on this issue he won’t let the American people down, and that he’s fighting hard for the hairspray money in order to honor his commitment to bringing back jobs.”

The Congressional Budget Office has examined Mr. Trump’s proposed hairspray funding bill, and the analysis suggests that the hairspray funding will stimulate the hairspray economy by $7 million, and add 23 jobs in order to fulfill Trump’s hairspray logistics needs.

Of course, that $7 million will also be added to the national debt.

(Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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