Charlottesville White Supremacists Embarrassed To Learn That Their Tiki Torches Weren’t Created By White People


Charlottesville, VA—

The Charlottesville Nazi protesters bought virtually every local store’s tiki torch supply for their Nazi-esque white supremacy march, but apparently did not catch the irony of using tiki-styled torches, which of course came from Polynesian culture.

“You mean this style of torch wasn’t invented by white people?” asked protester John Dimmer, when a Halfway Post reporter asked him about his tiki torch. “That’s really embarrassing. Almost every guy out here has one because no one really makes regular ‘white’ torches anymore I suppose. I just kind of assume that everything I see and interact with on a daily basis was made by white people. Do you think that Chinese buffet I went to for lunch today wasn’t created by a white person either?”

Other protesters were furious to find out they had been duped by Polynesians.

“See, this kind of thing is exactly why we’re out here protesting,” said protester Alex Warton. “White people don’t even get torches anymore? Foreign cultures are creeping into every facet of American society, and it’s time we fight back.”

Other protesters tried to rationalize their use of tiki torches.

“Well, in a way, we are burning the tiki torches themselves,” said protester Bobby Carr. “So, I mean, in a way, that’s like ceremonially burning Polynesian culture out of the US… except that Tiki torch companies are making a lot of money off of our white supremacist marches and protests, and I guess that kind of makes Polynesian culture more of a stronger, bigger facet of American life… but at least we are appropriating Polynesian culture, that’s offensive, right? We’re taking it for our own and turning tiki torches into a symbol of racism and hatred, right? Yeah! At least we’re doing that!”

Maybe these Nazi LARPers won’t gain in popularity simply because they’re so lame and culturally ignorant?

(Picture courtesy of Eric Kilby.)

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