Local Republican Learns Communists, Socialists, & Fascists Aren’t The Same Thing — Has Existential Crisis


St. Louis, MO—

At approximately 10:30 am yesterday morning, local Republican Everett Hines was stunned to learn that communists, socialists and fascists aren’t the same thing.

Hines learned the fact while surfing random Wikipedia pages, and his clicks led him to a page about political theory. He then looked up what exactly the words “communist,” “socialist,” and “fascist” actually mean.

“I was real bamboozled to learn that they are not the exact same thing,” Hines said. “For the last nine years I have been calling President Obama a ‘fascist, socialist communist,’ but now it’s pretty clear to me that Obama can’t be all three. They should really teach this distinction in the schools because communism is related to total government control of the economy, socialism means some control, and fascism isn’t entirely related to just economics.”

Hines then explained that the revelation has really opened his eyes.

“I had crafted this wonderfully long description for Obama, and it goes as follows: Obama is a fascist, socialist, communist, secularist, jihadi, atheist, agnostic, weakling, dictator, tyrant, idiot, elitist, globalist. I was real proud of putting that compound title together. Now, though, I’m aware that I have to cross out two of the first three. This is all I’ve been able to think about for the last two days now. I don’t know who I am politically anymore. I’ve told so many people that Obama was a communist socialist fascist that I feel like I have to apologize to every one of them for misleading them and being so uninformed about the topic.”

Hines said he learned something from the experience, and that from now he would do more research about political science.

“I definitely have come out of this existential crisis a more curious person. The next words I’m going to research are ‘secularist,’ ‘jihadi,’ ‘atheist’ and ‘agnostic.’ I have a feeling that since all of those relate to religion that maybe I’ve been inconsistent to call Obama all four of those. And, actually, I think I’ll have to choose one between ‘weakling’ and ‘tyrant.’ I suppose that logically he can’t be both at the same time. Well, shit, it’s really apparent that the anti-Obama conservative smearing agenda I’ve prescribed to all this time really needs some close proof-reading and fact-checking. Actually, maybe my anti-Obama rhetoric has been so impulsive and pavlovian that I’ve been blind to the fact that Obama was actually a pretty okay president. Hmm. I’ll have to consider it.”

Good luck, Everett.

(Picture courtesy of Edgar Zuniga Jr.)

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