St. Louis, MO—
Papa John’s founder and CEO John Schnatter made a shocking announcement this morning on social media by announcing that, henceforth, he was no longer a believer in capitalism.
“I used to adore all things capitalism, but of course that was back when my pizza business was going good, and I was loaded with money,” said Schnatter. “But now that pizza sales are going down and I’m losing money, I think it’s time for America to give socialism a chance. My initial instinct was to make our pizza even crappier and use fewer ingredients per pizza to cut costs, but I am worried that will only exacerbate my profit problem. So I’m gonna give socialism a chance.”
Asked if his self-interest has changed his ideological beliefs, the pizza man did not disagree.
“I started off by trying to blame the NFL and football players’ protests for my drop in sales, but that appears to have made matters worse with my public relations. So I’m gonna cool it with references to America’s tender culture war and rural Americans’ eternal fear of full black cultural integration. So now I’ve turned to blaming capitalism for my company’s failings because I’m still pretty confident my profit problem is external rather than personal. I mean, I don’t ever eat this shit, but I’m pretty sure our profit disappointments have nothing to do with my putting shareholders above our customers for years and years. Nah, the free market must be to blame. People are free to hate my pizza and not buy it so I lose money. That shouldn’t be allowed. Let’s go socialism all the way.”
Despite the new approach, Schnatter still is bitter about his customers turning on him.
“My customers are acting all high and mighty as if my decision to worry only about shareholders’ profits rather than the actual taste or quality of our product is a big deal. They turned me socialist, or whatever I am. My friends tell me my views on socialism are far from educated, but I’m simply going off the impression I got of socialism while I was a die-hard capitalist. My smart friends say I’m more red communist and Stalinist than socialist, and that my right-wing nationalist tendencies are more like a fascist dictatorship than any form of honest socialism, but… well, I digress. Come eat my pizza, America. And tip me. Not my serf workers. In every store I will leave a jar that says ‘Tips For John’ and I expect some fucking tips because we’re all socialist now.”