Local Evangelical Trump Voter Admits Bob Mueller’s Jawline Has Made Him Doubt His Heterosexuality

Boise, ID—

Special Investigator Robert Mueller and his band of all-star prosecutors have maintained mysterious perseverance in their investigation into the Russian Collusion Scandal, and Mueller’s mythic status as impeccable, chiseled boy scout has impressed not just critics of the President.

“I’m the biggest Trump fan you’ll ever meet,” explained local Trump Voter, “But if I’m being honest, every time I see Bob Mueller’s clenched jaw I feel a little growth. Down there, if you know what I mean. Come on, his jawline is that of a Greek titan. And Mueller is a Vietnam vet and career prosecutor who brought down the mafia. I pray every day that Trump can serve eight years and maybe even a couple more after, but since this whole FBI witch hunt began I’ve been dealing with this daily struggle where my johnson just starts flowing blood every time I think about Mueller arresting Trump and cuffing him and then pushing him into a FBI interrogation cell behind bars. Sometimes I can just feel the blood like it’s on fire down there. I’m a happily married man, don’t get me wrong at all—and I love my kids—but she’s kind of gained some weight over the years, and, honestly, since seeing these magazine pictures of Mueller looking serious in the courtroom, I’m starting to think I might have a little bit of gay up in the corner of my spectrum after all.”

(Official White House Photo by Pete Souza.)