Paul Ryan To GOP On Tax Reform: “Look, Millennials Are Voting Blue Like 6-1, We Got Limited Time Here”


Washington D.C.—

Following the GOP’s passage of two separate bills for their infamous tax reform effort, both chambers of Congress must compromise and agree to one single bill before it can become law.

However, this is proving a bigger challenge than originally expected because the Senate bill’s rushed writing process has lead to numerous accounting errors.

Making matters more difficult, Senator Susan Collins has not confirmed commitment to the final tax reform bill, especially since the promise she made with Majority Leader Mitch McConnell not to screw with healthcare has been outright dismissed by Speaker of the House Paul Ryan and his GOP caucus.

Further threatening the bill’s future is the possibility that Republican Roy Moore will lose his Senate election to Democrat Doug Jones. This complicates the legislative math because if Jones wins while Bob Corker (who voted no already) and Susan Collins vote against the tax bill, the tax reform won’t have the votes to pass into law.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan gave a pep talk to his House GOP caucus this morning, in which he tried to inspire Republicans to take the long-term view of the issue.

“Look, guys, and congresswomen—I’m freaking out here,” Paul began. It’s bad. You gotta go with me on this one. Millennials absolutely hate us, and they especially hate Trump. The Millennial generation is alarmingly liberal and Democratic, and they’re going to just cream us in the coming 2018 election because healthcare is a huge issue for them. They will very shortly become the dominant voting block of American voters, taking over Boomers and Gen X’ers. I’ve seen in some elections that Millennials are voting blue like 6-1, we got very limited time here, fellas, and women. We have a very short window to pay off all these lobbyist bribes we’ve stacked up since Citizens United. If we want to give all the federal government’s money back to the rich, we have less than one year before the midterms to cram this muck down America’s throat, you feel me? Now I know Susan Collins made Mitch promise we wouldn’t cut Medicare, but we here in the House didn’t ever shake on that. We’re gonna continue that strategy, though, of making wild-eyed promises to any senators trying to vote no on this. We promise them in the Senate and then abandon any pretense of keeping our words in the House. The Millennials are coming and they are not going to be kind to our Congressional caucus, if you catch my drift. Young people absolutely hate contemporary conservatism, and are verging more democratic-socialist every day. If we want to rush in quick before Millennials become totally dominant as a voting bloc, we gotta pass all our shady, social-darwinist capitalistic stuff ASAP. Am I repeating myself? Am I rambling? I’ve got the anxiety shakes here, friends. Millennials are voting overwhelmingly to help the less fortunate and tie stronger social safety nets. That’s gonna mean taxes. Giving successful people’s money back… to the society… that fostered that success. I’m sorry, I can barely say it without gagging. Did anybody else just get a shiver? So look, please vote for whatever the Senate comes up with. Just do it. One rubber-stamp is all I ask. It’s gonna be a miracle if the Senate passes anything, so let’s just close our eyes and jump no matter what disgusting, rancid hotdog meat the Senate throws into the tax reform blender. Who is with me? Hail mary time!”

Mr. Ryan then reportedly reset “Eye of the Tiger” on the speakers, plugged in a cardioid microphone, and karaoke’d along with it.

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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