John Kelly Installs 2 Big, Fake Nuke Buttons On Trump’s Desk To Cheer Him Up


Washington D.C.—

Just days after a Twitter feud between President Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un erupted over the rogue nation’s nuclear ambitions, President Trump reportedly received a late Christmas present from Chief of Staff John Kelly.

The North Korean government had previously publicized a nuclear strike button Mr. Un reportedly had on his desk, which made Mr. Trump jealous and furious that he had no nuke buttons of his own.

Hoping to cheer up Trump, Mr. Kelly requested that White House janitors install two big, red buttons on the Oval Office desk.

“This oughta cheer up the President,” explained Mr. Kelly to White House aides who requested anonymity in order to discuss internal matters.

According to The Halfway Post’s sources, Mr. Trump’s mood brightened considerably for the rest of the day.

“Trump gets really competitive, all the time,” said one of the anonymous aides. “Hearing that Kim Jong Un had a nuclear button—and knowing that he didn’t—really upset the President. He started fuming and demanding to know why he didn’t have a button. [Defense Secretary] Jim Mattis brought up the nuclear football briefcase in which America’s launch codes are kept and shook it in front of the President’s face to try and coax a smile, but that didn’t placate Trump’s tears. Trump just folded his arms and started yelling at people that he better have at least one nuke button on his desk the next day.”

According to the other White House aide who spoke to The Halfway Post, Mr. Kelly has gotten very good at understanding and interpreting Trump’s moods.

“Jim’s been a very good babysitter for our emotionally turbulent President,” explained the second aide. “Jim talked to the White House janitors, paid them $50 each, and the next day when Trump woke up and was wheeled into the Oval in his stroller he lit up when he saw the two buttons screwed into the top of his desk. He started waving his arms and giggling. The buttons of course aren’t actually hooked up to anything, but Trump loved it. He was ecstatic that he had double the nuclear buttons as Kim Jong Un. The military staff is wondering what to do if he actually tries to order a nuclear strike against North Korea, though John Kelly is having the White House communications team photoshop pictures of mushroom clouds over North Korean cities in preparation, in order to show the President in case the President throws another tantrum. The plan is to placate the President, but not actually murder millions of Koreans.”

(Picture courtesy of Joe Shoe.)

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