Colorado Governor Offers To Smoke Out Jeff Sessions To Convince Him To Chill Out On Weed

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Denver, CO—

Attorney General Jeff Sessions’s recent policy shift at the Department of Justice on the issue of recreational marijuana use has upset weed advocates across the country, and no state is poised to suffer more from federal prosecution of the blooming marijuana economy than Colorado.

Colorado’s recreational marijuana sales have turned pot into a multi-billion dollar business throughout the state, which results in big tax benefits for the state’s government. The people in Colorado are also extremely chill, and über-nerd Sessions has effectively promised them that he will be a real buzzkill.

Colorado Governor Al Gould has pushed back against the federal breach of states’ rights on marijuana, however, and promises that he will lead a multi-state lawsuit in an attempt to save the weed industry in his state.

The Halfway Post reached out to Governor Gould this morning, and Gould offered poignant remarks.

“I will personally fly to Washington D.C. and smoke out Jeff Sessions, if that’s what it takes to convince the Attorney General that pot is neither dangerous nor harmful to one’s health,” said Gould. “He thinks good people don’t smoke weed, but by golly look at President Trump. If ever a guy needed to get stoned out of his mind and mellow out, it is Donald J. Trump. And Steve Bannon, oh my God. You know who aren’t Nazis? Stoners. No one smokes weed and turns into a racist, xenophobic asshole. People smoke weed and realize how stupid all these invented social constructs are that are holding us back individually and collectively.”

Our Halfway Post reporter asked if Gould really meant his promise that he would personally go to D.C. and smoke a joint with Jeff Sessions.

“I have never been more serious about anything in my life. Whatever he wants, I’ll give it to him. Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions: if you want some edibles I will bake you a whole sheet of pot brownies. I make excellent pot gummy worms. I can roll a killer spliff. I have a wide assortment of themed bongs he can choose from. Whatever it takes to get Jeff to stop being such a goody-two-shoes boy scout about weed. I’m convinced if Jeff Sessions would just get high one time, he’d turn into a liberal instantly. Pot is a miracle drug for society, and I believe with my whole heart that selfish conservatism could be eradicated completely from our national discourse if all these high-strung, self-righteous Republicans just got high one time. If we somehow piped in marijuana smoke into a GOP Congressional caucus meeting, America would never invade or occupy another country impulsively ever again, and we’d have adequate healthcare in two hours. And, besides, Jeff is so worked up about about evangelicalism that he’d probably think God was taking over his body. Getting high could be a legit religious epiphany for Jeff. I’ll say this: he’ll never know until he tries.”

Thanks for the interview, Mr. Gould.

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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