Omaha, NE—
The Koch Brothers, Charles and David, recently sat down with a local Halfway Post office in Omaha for a weekend interview.
During the conversation, both brothers repeatedly emphasized the importance of their political advocacy network, with which they have spent hundreds of millions of dollars in state and national elections.
The Kochs discussed their plans for the coming midterm elections, in which they have proposed spending up to $400 million in support of the GOP’s recent Koch-approved tax cut. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan received a $500,000 check from the Kochs. In fact, the Kochs are such big donors to the Republican Party that many D.C. experts suspect they legally and contractually own every Republican member of Congress as a vote slave.
“The donation to Paul Ryan has nothing to do with the tax cut, we promise,” said Charles Koch. “Nothing, whatsoever. It just so happens that the $500k is intended as a little appetizer for Paul in order for him to ram through more wildly un-populist legislation. There’s more where that came from, Mr. Speaker, if you catch my drift. And again, I cannot repeat myself enough that this has no negative effect on our political discourse. Sure, Republicans come to our offices every election cycle to grovel at our feet and beg us for money in exchange for promises of literally any tax and deregulation policy we want, but we’re just trying to help along Congress. In fact, we even direct our teams of lobbyists to straight up write the bills themselves and just hand our Republican slaves the new laws of the land. It makes government more efficient. It’s like creatively cutting out the middle men and women—in this case America’s elected representatives. But, come on, this stuff is no big deal. All kinds of citizens do this. I mean, look at Hillary Clinton. The Clinton Foundation took money from all kinds of people to fight AIDS, help inhibit elephant poaching, and promote women’s health in developing countries, and that’s no different than me pursuing the charitable cause of lowering my own tax bill and gutting environmental regulations for my dirty fossil fuel businesses. I’m doing this for the American people. People have no idea how hard it is for me and my brother to get ahead because of taxes and regulations. At the rate we’re currently going, we’ll never get to be trillionaires. And, besides, the savings you’ll have from cheaper fossil fuel energy will be more than enough to distract you from the smog and burning rivers.”
“And come on, we’re talking about a little campaign donation,” David Koch added. “What’s the big deal? There are literally hundreds of thousands, no, millions of campaign donations every election cycle, tell me what’s unusual about two simple guys like my brother and me giving money to the candidates we support? Sure, we’re donating more than an entire time zone of the US, but that’s democracy! Well, technically republicanism…ish. It’s a little oligarchic. Are we oligarchic, Charles?”
“No, David, we are Übermenschen.”
“Oh, right,” replied David. “I do so dearly love being rich. Shall we eat lobster on a solid gold plate today for lunch while we force Marco Rubio, Paul Ryan, and Scott Walker to reenact the shirtless volleyball scene from Top Gun?”
“Oh, that sounds delightful, David,” said Charles. “And just to place a juicy cherry on top of this scrumptious noon snack, we shall have Mitch McConnell wear a bikini and serve as cheerleader.”
“But, my dear Charles, what if Mitch refuses?” asked David.
There was a pause in the conversation until the Koch Brothers burst out laughing with chuckles akin to maniacal villains in movies. They abruptly got up and left the studio with Marco Rubio, who they had brought to the Halfway Post’s office on a leash and left kenneled up in the cloak room during the interview.
(Picture courtesy of DonkeyHotey.)
The Halfway Post 