Republicans Unveil A National “Thoughts And Prayers” Hotline They Promise Will Stop All Mass Shootings


St. Louis, MO—

Republicans in Congress have revealed a new piece of legislation that would organize and fund a national hotline for Americans to call in order to think and pray about the victims of mass shootings.

The hotline program has projected an annual budget of $220 million, and Republicans are confident this is the solution to tourniquet the problem of chronic mass murders in America.

“This hotline is going to save so many lives,” said Senator Tom Yardbird (R-GA), “And, even more importantly, it is going to save so many gun freedoms. This hotline will allow millions of Americans at a time to call in and talk to a registered prayer coach in a 1-1 ratio so that the nation can pray together as a whole so that God stops making people shoot up schools, churches, and homes. If we can work together, and just reach the level of prayer God wants and needs to see to end all this violence and carnage, Democrats will have to shut up about banning guns and taking away our God-given right to machine guns once and for all. I know I’ll be calling in to the hotline at least on a monthly basis, and I’ll even do it wearing the style of machine gun I used in the Army back in my Gulf War days while occupying enemy towns and cities. I want America to be just like war-torn Kuwait: free to wield any weapons you want.”

Other Republican co-sponsors of the bill agree that the hotline is just what America needs.

“I have to be honest, I need this hotline more than ever,” explained Senator Ralph Mummert (R-WY). “You see, me and my neighbor have kind of gotten ourselves locked into a kind of arms race. It started when I bought myself a pistol—you know, for protection—and then my neighbor up and gets himself an AR-15, so then I needed to one-up him—you know, to have fire superiority on the neighborhood block—and so I got me a shotgun and a couple grenades, but then he up and gets a rocket-propelled grenade launcher and lays down a couple mines in his front yard. So there I was, thinking I was the top alpha male on our street, but he takes defensive superiority and ties me for offensive superiority. So I started doing some research, and I got myself a drone, and then I built an attachment to be able to hold my pistol and allow me to remotely fire the trigger with the drone that I could fly around on patrol of block every evening. But now my neighbor has gone and got himself a drone, too, and, though he couldn’t figure out how to attach a gun to the damn thing, he stuck on it one of his remotely-controlled mines and effectively made himself a smart bomb. So we’re kind of at a stand-still with this brinkmanship arms-racing, but we’re each very capable of destroying the other. And I don’t even dislike the guy! We’ve been pals forever. But now that we have all these weapons pointed toward each other’s bedroom windows every night, I can’t trust the guy, you know? So, yeah, I really need this prayer hotline. I need some prayers to ensure my safety alongside some extra intense prayers for God to not convince my neighbor to make a preemptive assault on me, my house, or my family.”

The bill has been approved by the Ways and Means Committee, and will head to the floor for debate tomorrow morning.


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