St. Louis, MO—
Republicans in Congress have revealed a new piece of legislation that would organize and fund a national hotline for Americans to call in order to think and pray about the victims of mass shootings.
The hotline proposal has projected an annual budget of $220 million to train phone operators and hire therapists, and Republicans are confident this is the solution to solve the problem of chronic mass murders in America.
“This hotline is going to save so many lives,” said Senator Tom Yardbird (R-GA), “And, even more importantly, it is going to save so many gun freedoms. This hotline will allow hundreds of white supremacist Americans at a time to call in and talk to a registered prayer coach in a 1-1 ratio about all their involuntary celibate personal problems. This way, these angry, unsexed young white males be will convinced to not shoot up schools, theatres, bars, and the like with the power of prayer, if they call in to the hotline before driving to hispanic-majority areas and lighting up the place with excessive violence. If we can work together, and just reach the level of prayer God wants before He ends all this violence and carnage, Democrats will have to shut up about banning guns and taking away our God-given right to machine guns once and for all. I know I’ll be calling in to the hotline at least on a monthly basis, and I’ll even do it wearing the style of machine gun I used in the Army back in my Gulf War days while occupying enemy towns and cities. I want America to be just like my experience in war-torn Kuwait: free to wield any weapons I want!”
Other Republican co-sponsors of the bill agree that the hotline is just what America needs.
“I have to be honest, I need this hotline more than ever,” explained Senator Ralph Mummert (R-WY). “You see, me and my neighbor have kind of gotten ourselves locked into a kind of arms race. I’m afraid some huge violence will break out between us. It started when I bought myself a pistol—you know, for protection—and then my neighbor saw that and up and gets himself an AR-15, so then I needed to one-up him—you know, to have fire superiority on the neighborhood block—and so I got me a shotgun and a couple grenades, but then he up and gets a rocket-propelled grenade launcher and lays down a couple mines in his front yard. So there I was, thinking I was the top alpha male on our street, but he takes defensive superiority and matches me for offensive capability. So I started doing some research, and I got myself a drone, and then I built an attachment to be able to hold my pistol and allow me to remotely fire the trigger with the drone that I could fly around on patrol of our street every evening. But now my neighbor has gone and got himself a drone, too, and, though he couldn’t figure out how to attach a gun to the damn thing, he stuck on it one of his remotely-controlled mines and effectively made himself a smart bomb. So we’re kind of at a stand-still with this brinkmanship arms-racing, but we’re each very capable of destroying the other. And I don’t even dislike the guy! We’ve been pals since high school. But now that we have all these weapons pointed toward each other’s bedroom windows every night, I can’t trust the guy, you know? So, yeah, I really need this prayer hotline. I need some prayers to ensure my safety alongside some extra intense prayers for God to not convince my neighbor to make a preemptive assault on me, my house, or my family.”
The bill has been approved by the Ways and Means Committee, and will head to the floor for debate tomorrow morning.