Republicans Unveil A National “Thoughts And Prayers” Hotline They Promise Will Stop All Mass Shootings

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St. Louis, MO—

Republicans in Congress have revealed a new piece of legislation that would organize and fund a national hotline for Americans to call in to and pray for the victims of mass shootings.

The hotline proposal has projected an annual budget of $220 million to train phone operators and employ therapists, and Republicans are confident this is the solution to solve the problem of chronic mass murders in America.

“This hotline is going to save so many lives,” said Republican Senator Tom Yardbird of Georgia. “Even more importantly, it’s going to save so many gun freedoms. This hotline will allow hundreds of white supremacist Americans at a time to call in and talk to a registered prayer coach in a 1-1 ratio about all their involuntary celibate personal problems. This way, these angry, unsexed, young, white males can be talked out of shooting up elementary schools, theaters, bars, concert venues, churches, military bases, grocery stores, and all our other public places with the power of prayer. If we can work together, and just reach the level of prayer God wants before He ends all this violence and carnage, Democrats will have to shut up once and for all about banning guns! I know I’ll be calling in to the hotline at least on a monthly basis, and I’ll even do it wearing strapped to my back my two AR-15s. I’m confident this hotline will stop all would-be criminals from abusing our laissez-faire gun rights for evil purposes… without needing any of the lame, pesky regulations Democrats want!”

Other Republican co-sponsors of the bill agreed that the hotline is just what America needs.

“I have to be honest, I need this hotline more than ever,” explained West Virginia Senator Ralph Mummert. “You see, me and my neighbor have kind of gotten ourselves locked into a kind of arms race. Pretty terrible violence might break out between us any day now. It all started when I bought myself a pistol—you know, for protection—and then my neighbor saw that and up and got himself an AR-15, so then I needed to one-up him—you know, to maintain fire superiority on the neighborhood block—and so I got me a shotgun and a couple grenades. But then he up and gets a rocket-propelled grenade launcher and lays down a couple mines in his front yard. So there I was, thinking I was the top alpha male on our block, but just like that he takes defensive superiority, and matches me for offensive capability. So I dug myself a trench in my front yard and stacked up sandbags, but I realized he could still take me out from his second story windows. So I started doing some research, and I got myself a drone and built an attachment to be able to hold my pistol and allow me to remotely fire the trigger. I started taking this drone out on nightly patrols, but then my neighbor got himself a drone, too! His AR-15 was too heavy to attach it to the damn thing, so he stuck on it one of his remote-controlled mines and effectively made himself a smart bomb. So now we’re kind of at a stand-still with this brinkmanship, but we’re each very capable of destroying each others’ whole family. And the homeowners’ association is going ballistic. And I don’t even dislike the guy! We’ve been pals since I moved into the neighborhood and his wife baked us an apple pie to welcome us! But, now that we have all these weapons pointed toward each other’s bedroom windows every night, I can’t trust the guy or ever get a good night’s sleep. So, yeah, I really need this prayer hotline. I need some prayers to ensure my safety alongside some extra intense prayers for God to not let my neighbor make a preemptive assault on me, my house, or my family.”

The bill has been approved by the Senate Ways and Means Committee, and will head to the floor for debate tomorrow morning.

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