A brand new proposal by Republican Senator Alec Hutters of Louisiana calls for the US to spend $35 billion sending every teacher in the country through a Marine bootcamp this summer.
It would call for the addition of 100 new, Marine military bases so that each state obtains two expansive teacher training headquarters. After the 2018 summer campaign, teachers would retrain every three years on a staggered basis so that, every summer, one-third of the nation’s teachers gets freshly re-certified in weapons training, marksmanship, hand-to-hand combat, knots, and the choice of one martial art, to choose between Karate, Taekwondo, and Judo.
Hutters’ bill calls for an age range between 22 and 70, noting that teachers above the age of 70 might have trouble getting through the Marines’ obstacle courses. However, senior-citizen teachers would be shepherded through a week-long bomb training course, and would be issued suicide bomb vests in order to do their part in helping stop any would-be school shooters.
The bill also calls for Congress to spend an additional $2 billion to train an army of attack dogs to employ at each and every school in America. Hutters conducted a press conference regarding the bill, and this was the part he said he was most excited about.
“The attacks dogs are going to do so much to keep our schools safe and our children alive,” explained Hutters. “We will train these dogs to rip apart school shooters. When the principle calls a red alert over the school radio system, the principal would also pull a bright red lever that opens up the cage to the attack dog. Part of the bill stipulates that the dogs must be fed a little less than they want so that the dogs are habitually hungry and ready to tear apart shooters. Once released, the attack dogs would assess the situation in the school hallways, and plan an attack against the intruder. It’s likely that these conditions will lead to extra carnage, as I imagine dogs will be less able to responsibly assess the situation than trained cops and SWAT teams—and even they often have trouble assessing situations quickly in crazy, mass shooting situations—but it is every dog’s Second Amendment right to be turned into a killing machine, and it’s better for innocent people to be ripped to shreds by an impulsive dog than to let even one school shooter get away. That’s America.”
The press conference then devolved into Hutters promising he would start an AR-15 giveaway contest for his constituents in Louisiana to give away an AR-15 every week to the citizen who donated the most money to the Hutters reelection fund.