St. Louis, MO—
Hey, God, what’s up? Just thought I’d check in on You. Wondering how things are going. How’s the New New Testament coming? Hey, listen, uh.. I hope You don’t take this the wrong way—I mean, I love the job You’re doing up there, You know? Like, full-steam ahead. But, I was thinking that maybe You’re kind of dropping the ball a little bit on this whole Nazi resurgence thing. What do You think? Like I said, everything’s like 99% chill, but it’s just that little bit. Let’s be real… Donald Trump. Is this some kind of lesson for us? Like, okay, we get it: Americans have gotta be more involved in our democracy. We get that loud and clear now. For instance, I’m telling everyone I know to vote, and to make sure they’re registered, and I’m trying to educate them on why their personal interests as citizens of a rich, industrialized titan country are being squashed by blatant avarice and full corrupt sale of conscience against the public good. I’m doing what I can to be a good, responsible citizen. But this whole alt-right America First fascism thing is getting a little superfluous. I mean, did You just stop paying attention or something? They’re buying tiki torches and marching in khaki pants and white polos and saving up their “white people” sperm in mason jars for use in an imaginary extinction of white people. Like, what the f***? And this Trump stuff. Tell me You’re not going to just let Trump pardon himself and all the criminals he has employed in his campaign and administration, are You? Or let things get even more out of hand with all the boy scout militia groups who think Trump is doing something positive for their lives. The kind of people who are susceptible to the Trump cult of fascism because their self-worth is derived from being white and Christian, and they feel attacked because their ideological popularity has been waning for years, and, meanwhile, up and coming country-inheritor Millennials happen to existentially object to Trump’s vision of America, and that scares Trump Americans half to death… along with biracial people, accomplished women, movies with black people in supporting roles, coffee cups with Christmas-related iconography that doesn’t explicitly reference the Christian semi-monotheistic myth of Jesus Christ, and any corporate brand that upsets Sean Hannity‘s feelings by pulling their advertising from his show for saying absurdly unprofessional things. However, speaking of Millennials… God… We need to have a serious talk about these mass shootings in schools. Not chill. Like, seriously. What. The f***? I’ll tell You what, let’s meet up this weekend. I’ll bring that wine bottle We both like with the crooked tree on the label, and let’s have a long heart-to-heart like We used to. We can drink a little too much and just let the feelings wash out and away. Whatever’s gong on, We can get through it. God, I’m here for You, buddy.
I hope You reply with a speedy sign. Thanks for Your time, God, and thanks again for Creating dogs.
The Halfway Post
P.S.— While I have You on the line, so to speak, can You finally reveal to me why You let George W. Bush win Florida in 2000? Can You imagine how much better this world would be today if Al Gore had been president instead? Well, I’m sure You can, but—again, no offense—what the f***?
(Picture courtesy of Steve Corey.)