The Halfway Post caught up with God once again for another interview to check in on His opinion of human affairs. The following dialogue has been lightly edited for clarity:
THP: So, God, what do you think of Your Creation, how are we doing?
GOD: The logarithms, frankly, with you people have gotten way out of whack. America, what is happening to you? Don’t get Me wrong—you’re still My favorite country—but conservatives have truly lost their minds. The political Right in America is going haywire, and I’m enjoying watching where it goes next. I mean, I know I did kind of a lazy job programming your little animal brains, but conservatives in America are the least obedient people on planet Earth, which is ironic because they never shut up about loving Me and doing what I say and living how I want. Yeah, right. I couldn’t roll my eyes fast enough for that load of crap. These evangelicals are all too busy pretending to pray to Me for school shootings, and abortion, and yadda yadda yadda to notice that they’re not acting like Me at all. They claim to be pro-life, but they don’t give a shit about babies being detained in cages on the border without their parents, and they have totally ignored Trump’s abandonment of all democratic and personal values. They have failed literally every test of moral character I have given them. They’re just asking for a plague. Don’t get me started on Jerry Falwell, Jr. I’m so close to giving him a case of boils. The more Christian these voters are, the more unChristian they behave politically. No matter what Trump does they’re like little, dumb marching lemmings in a personality cult. They think Trump is bigger than Jesus. They aren’t supposed to, you know? “No other Gods before Me” and all that jazz. I mean, I f***ing wrote it down for you homos on a stone tablet—er, homo sapiens I mean. I was not referencing the LGBTQ community in any way there. It was mere scientific classification Yeesh, that was close. I’d never hear the end of it from the social justice warriors. I tell you what, though, fascism is coming to America, and these fake Christian Evangelicals are begging for it because Trump spends what little time he’s not watching Fox & Friends and golfing insulting football players and these evangelicals feel good for once in a liberal culture that loathes their pretentious, undeserved cafeteria-style Christian self-congratulations. And they’re just letting Trump get away with straight up robbing America! These Evangelicals, they are going straight to Hell. It’s great entertainment, though. Like TV. Oh, man, TV is good these days isn’t? You know, I really love all these murder mystery shows Netflix is doing. Netflix has this weird thing for murder right, but I eat all that stuff up. Murder is so creepy. I don’t know—maybe it’s because I’m all immortal and stuff, but something about dying just really creeps me out, you know? Well—I guess you don’t.
THP: What do you think about Roseanne getting fired?
GOD: Ha! Called that one. Called it on day one—I’m omniscient, remember? But yeah, I mean, come on. Calling Valerie Jarrett a monkey? It’s just lazy. So passé. If you really want to be a racist everyone knows you gotta be subtle and chill with it, right? I mean, I don’t understand why so many conservatives have so much trouble with this stuff—they invented subtle, subconscious racism! They’re getting dumber, they really are. Republicans used to be clever enough to never directly say “brown people don’t belong in America,” and they would use all these crafted dog whistles that had staying power for whole decades—like “forced bussing,” “states’ rights,” “reefer madness,” “welfare queens,” and “school choice” and all that stuff. You know, Roseanne used to be the mom of blue collar America. Now look at her. Some of my least favorite people in America are socialist-leaning citizens who fall for fake-nationalist personality cons like Trump. And I’m watching And I’m judging. Oh, how I’m judging these Trump supporters.
THP: Where do you go when you want to get away for a bit of vacation?
GOD: Neptune. It’s like a giant sauna. I can just sit in Neptune for weeks. I feel so fresh and relieved every time I come back. You should try it—well, I guess you can’t. You know, My life as Creator of all things is just so great. You’ll just never understand I suppose. Oh, hey, sorry to cut this short, but Ted Cruz just started looking at porn on his Twitter, so I’m gonna make him accidentally heart a video. Ah, Teddy. Such a freak of a person.
THP: Thanks for the interview God.