God Announces Evangelical Conservatives Have Failed Existentially, Proclaims Liberal Atheists As His New Chosen People

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Heaven—

The Halfway Post caught up with God this morning, and the following is a transcription of our dialogue, lightly edited for clarity:

THE HALFWAY POST: How do you think Trump is doing?

GOD: Trump is merely an empty shell with which I motivate a moral test of ethics and character for the white Evangelicals of the United States. Trump is nothing. What has truly astonished me, though, is how gung-ho for paramilitary fascism these Evangelicals are. These God-fearing, gun-nut Evangelicals—who have lost every pretentious culture battle they themselves invented in their quest to put on superfluous theatrics of self-righteousness, mind you—have turned fundamentalist, and literally cannot interpret any of the obvious signs I give them. Look at Trump—they love him! They think he is America’s premier alpha male or something. But Trump is the antithesis to everything they supposedly believe! The guy is an egomaniac who inherited tons of money and lost it all multiple times because he’s too stupid to be a real business man. And I even made him look ridiculous: orange skin, fake marmot hair mop, offensively fake white teeth, and I gave him a car salesman’s personality. The guy is literally always trying to sell you his own malignant narcissist delusions. Trump doesn’t even read, and he boastfully has no respect for experts who are blatantly smarter than him. It doesn’t mater the topic. That’s why he says everything is “amazing,” “great,” and “the best.” He’s a mental six-year-old who can’t thoughtfully or articulately describe ideas or complex, nuanced thoughts. His brain is literally allergic to the act of self-reflection. And he’s a total dick! A real asshole. He’s obsessed with fraud in every aspect of his life! Donald J. Trump is a fake bitch, and he’s the closest embodiment of the antichrist I have yet inflicted upon my Creation. And white Evangelicals f***ing love him! You know, black Christians know he’s a piece of shit.

THP: That’s incredible hearing this from You, God

GOD: No. The most incredible thing is that white Evangelicals think they’re doing something for me by idolizing Trump. Puh-lease…like I’d reward them for being the bitchy annoying clique in the societal cafeteria hall thinking they’re better than everyone else because they read somewhere in the Bible that their religion was the best. Talk about circular logic. “Christianity is real because the Bible says it is.” Ha! News flash, I didn’t f***ing write it! I barely inspired it. You really think that if I, God, wrote a long book that was supposed to guide every aspect of your life, that it would be anything like the Old Testament. Really? REALLY? You’d think I’d just fill space with long lists of people begetting other people? You think a book that I, your omniscient Creator, wrote to endure through twenty centuries of civilizational development would include so much incest? I mean, come on, you gotta admit that there is a suspicious amount of incest in the Bible. You really think your God is that weird? Come on! And Evangelicals literally believe I’m all powerful, yet say on page one of the Bible that I needed to take a f***ing break on the 7th day. You still think I wrote that? Why would any god anywhere ever write a book in which he unnecessarily accuses Himself or Herself of needing to take a f***ing break from being God for a full Earth day?

THP: So… do you have any retribution coming white Evangelicals’ way if you’re so pissed off at them?

GOD: Glad you asked. Yep. As of right now, I—God—officially declare that white Evangelicals are not my chosen people. My new favorite people are…drumroll—tadadadaaa: liberal atheists! Liberal atheists are the new favorites. They’re chill, they don’t waste all their charity money on building giant gaudy churches for themselves, they are the nicest neighbors, they tip well, they say “no problem” while helping people even when its a big problem because they don’t want the people they are helping to feel as if there has been any inconvenience. Atheists are my people.”

(Picture courtesy of abhimanyu.)

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