Earthquake At Richard Spencer’s “White Sperm Doomsday Vault” Means He Has To Start His Collection All Over


Anchorage, AK—

[NSFW: read at your own risk.]


Richard Spencer has devoted much of the last two years crowdsourcing a venture to stockpile reserve supplies of pure, racially white semen in a subterranean Alaskan vault, but has faced yet another setback in his dream of being the premier collector of white people’s semen in North America.

Thanks to unusually active tectonic plates along the northern Pacific coast, an earthquake shook the vault’s foundations and collapsed the vault’s scaffolding storage system, shattering thousands of mason jars of certified-white sperm exhaustively collected and stored to ensure the racial security of the white race in the event of some kind of future dystopian doomsday threat to genetics for white skin.

“It was, literally, the biggest sucker-punch from life I’ve ever received,” explained Spencer in an online video message to his patrons and investors. “We had just hit the milestone of capping and freezing our 10,000th mason jar of all-white American sperm, and it felt like we had truly accomplished something. Sure, it seems on the outside to everyone else like we are just a bunch of lonely, unloved racist betas getting together and competing to see who can jerk themselves off the most, and the fastest, but we have a purpose. We are preserving our god-like DNA coded for skin so majestically white it’s susceptible to chronic sunburns, and someday the future will thank us. When the white race is down to our last fertile white woman capable of continuing the white race’s bloodline, everyone will be thanking us for our dutiful work when they evacuate her to our Alaskan vault and conscript her into pregnancy slavery to pop out as many white babies as possible. You know, kind of like the SS did in the Third Reich with Lebensborn with their white women. That’s the idealistic concept of racial salvation that guides our Alt-Right White Sperm Doomsday Vault project. Also, in such a doomsday scenario, a woman would finally have sex with us.”

During a follow-up Ask Me Anything event for Reddit, Mr. Spencer elaborated on the earthquake’s damage:

“It was so gross. So. Gross. Our whole scaffolding system collapsed and our refrigeration process shut down so that thousands of mason jars filled with sperm shattered and thawed into globby puddles. Me and several volunteers tried to save as many mason jars as we could, but the damage was catastrophic. And the floors got so slippery so we kept slipping and sliding around in the slop and cutting our clothes and skin on the glass shards littering everywhere on the floor. In some rooms we were practically swimming. Aryan sperm was literally covering every surface. And sneaking into every crevice. EVERY crevice, if you catch my drift. If it wasn’t so painful and disappointing to see the last two years of wanking wasted it would have been beautiful. I cried at least twice, but more likely three times. Although, I’ll tell you what, after that long, long, disgusting night of cleaning, my skin was so smooth when I showered the crusty coating all off. Maybe I should start commercializing the Aryan sperm as a skin cream for white supremacists rather than just stockpiling it. Hmm, I’ll think about it. Well, gotta get back to work. My semen isn’t going to jerk itself back to 10,000 jars, you know what I mean?”


(Picture courtesy of Robert Thivierge.)

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