Robert Mueller Is Reportedly Very Disappointed Michael Cohen Was So Easy To Flip

New York, NY—

“Talk about a let down,” Robert Mueller told The Halfway Post. “Michael Cohen didn’t even last ten minutes in the interrogating room. He had the loosest lips I’ve ever seen in all my days of prosecuting the mob and other federal villains. And let’s talk about that raid: Michael Cohen was keeping receipts and video and audio recordings of everything. What a dumbass! I was hoping Cohen would be, like, one last great challenge before I retire for good, you know? I was already in retirement and they asked me back, and of course I said yes to working on a giant case involving the election of a fraudulent, treasonous US president, and, well, unfortunately it hasn’t been as fun as I thought it would be. This cast of characters are all certified morons. Trump’s a total idiot and you can tell by just listening to him talk for 30 seconds on literally any subject; Donald Jr. is obviously way out of his league and he can’t help himself but screw up everything he touches; Jared Kushner crumbled instantly like the soft little, sheltered, trust fund baby doughboy that he is; Roger Stone barely hid his collusion efforts at all and bragged about them on Twitter and in interviews so he was a piece of cake to make a fool-proof prosecution strategy against; and even the Russian intelligence groups that pulled off this hacking and meddling left all kinds of footprints over everything they did. I mean, Michael Flynn? Come on. The guy was literally being paid by foreign governments when he took the National Security Adviser job. The Trump campaign and transition teams were such a group of dunces that they weren’t even smart enough to stop taking current payments from dictators. That’s like the first rule of getting away with treason. And this investigation normally would take years, but we practically started at the finish line way back in May of 2016 because George Papadopoulos bragged in public about Russian collusion, and then sang like a bird when we questioned him. Papadopoulos pretty much gave us everything we needed to snag evidence on the next tier up of Trump campaign officials actively colluding with Russia. These Trump clowns are all so stupid that I feel jipped. Any prosecutor in American could have done this one. Hopefully the next president commits some secret crimes too so I can stay on and really end my career for the last time on a high note. This Trump stuff is way too easy for me to quit on. I’m trying to go out like Michael Jordan, and Seinfeld: at the top of my game…but this Russian collusion stuff has barely been a challenge at all!”

(Picture courtesy of DonkeyHotey.)