Local Trump-er Is Annoyed That All The Brown People She Yells At To Leave The US Turn Out To Be Veterans


Mobile, Alabama—

Bertha LaFollette, a local woman in Alabama has been stopping her daily errands to yell at any non-white people she encounters throughout her day, but she reportedly keeps getting discouraged by finding out the people she harasses in public are, in fact, US citizens.

“I know the illegal MS-13 gang lords are out here somewhere, but they’re too shadowy and I can’t find any,” she explained. “I yelled at this 70-something-year-old Asian man this morning to go back to ching-chong China, and—what do you know?—he turned out to be a 30-year Japanese veteran of the navy and lived here in Alabama his whole life. Some other black thug I saw reading a book in the park, maybe around 35ish, was sitting there suspiciously quiet and unobtrusive, so of course I did the patriotic thing and told him he wasn’t welcome in the city park, and I got unlucky again! He turned out to be a firefighter who was enjoying a rare day he got off to rest from the exhaustion of fighting a big fire last night and personally saving five members of a family by himself. What are the odds of two in a row? I know all of these blacks and Mexicans and Asians are animalistic immigrant monsters like Trump said, but just my luck to be in what must be the only town in America where all of them hold the door for me in and out of stores and let me go first at 4-way stop signs! Good, Christian white folk all over America are daily being terrorized by this invasion of millions of undocumented foreigners, but my town is perfectly normal filled with ethnically diverse Americans who just want to live in peace and raise mild-mannered families. Maybe I should move.”

Ms. LaFollette invited a Halfway Post reporter to accompany her on a walk around the park, and we indulged her invitation. It was an experience:

“You’re the reason I’m poor!” she exclaimed at two Mexican boys playing Pokémon Go! along the park’s paved path. “You’re why my Social Security benefits aren’t keeping up with inflation! You and your margarita family! You’re why my truck broke down! You’re why I can’t afford 2-ply toilet paper! You’re why this outskirt suburban town’s factory laid off workers for two decades and cut benefits even as production skyrocketed with the help of mechanical machinery and the owners pocketed al the riches, moved out of town, lost touch with their workers and their community, had more layoffs, and eventually moved the plant entirely to Taiwan! You! You two middle-schoolers! It’s all your fault! Not the fault of the Republican Party’s insistence on global free-trade coupled with obstinacy to any economic stimulus to the affected, collateral-damaged victims of the outsourcing of our industrial economy from Main Street America to Asia! Go back to Mexico! Your parents’ jobs of picking avocados for $3.50 an hour is directly responsible for me not getting full-time hours at Walmart. It’s not because Walmart’s top bosses are greedy and purposefully prevent their employees from being full-time so as to not have to give any of their workforce health or other benefits… it’s because of your toddler little sister! Go back to your MS-13 gang lord middle school friends! Trump’s gonna kick you all out. Then once you’re all gone I’ll be rich! It’s not that your people and me both are victims of unprecedented economic inequality, white people are the only victims! The superrich voting to gut all social and public spending out of the government with superfluously unnecessary tax cuts for already wildly rich people is not the culprit for my white-trash life with no immediate hope for improvement! It’s you!”



(Picture courtesy of r. nial bradshaw.)

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