Michael Cohen Suspiciously Calls Trump And Asks If He Can Recite All Their Crimes Because He “Forgot”


New York, NY—

The advice appears to have been prudent, because two White House aides have told The Halfway Post confidentially that Mr. Cohen did call the President, and that the call exhibited several red flags.

“Cohen called Trump at about 8pm last night, and he definitely sounded a little weird,” explained the first White House aide, who overheard the conversation with enough other staffers in the room to avoid outing himself by leaking such sensitive details. “So Cohen makes a little small talk at first, about the weather and stuff, but then he starts saying that the reason he is calling is that he fell in the bathtub and hit his head, and lost part of his memory, specifically about all the crimes he is helping the President conceal. Cohen then asked the President if he could help refresh his memory by slowly and with good diction explaining all the criminal activity for which Cohen was helping strategize so that he could quickly get back to work obstructing justice. Everyone in the middle of the room immediately started waving their hands for Trump to hang up, but Trump covered the receiver of the phone with his hand and said to everyone that Cohen is loyal and would never turn against him.”

Another aide who leaked anonymously to The Halfway Post continues the story.

“So Trump, of course, thinks he know better than everyone else in the room, and the fact that everyone disagrees with him only makes him more obstinate, so Trump literally sits there and recites to Cohen the laundry list of crimes the pair have committed together, omitting nothing. He mentions the money laundering via real estate deals, the attempts to set up a backchannel with Putin, the payoffs for dozens of porn stars and other women, the illicit business deals with shady characters in Azerbaijan, Panama, Russia, Brazil and the mob in New York, the plethora of financial fraud schemes, the obstruction of justice throughout the FBI and Mueller investigations, the exchange of pro-Russian policies for a personal cut of the energy profits Russia will earn when US sanctions are lifted, the pee tapes, the poo tapes, the vom tapes, the big mac tapes, the routine shoplifting, the laundry list of drug smuggling and possession crimes Trump and his acolytes committed in the 80s and 90s, the Trump University fiasco, multiple assault charges both physical and sexual, the trafficking of underage girls, the racist housing discrimination infractions over many decades, it just went on and on. Trump literally sat there for half an hour going over it all, often taking moments to reminisce about specific crimes they got away with and describing exactly the lies and misinformation they spread in order to win mistrials and dropped charges. He just loves talking about himself. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life than that Cohen had several FBI agents in his apartment while making the call, but Trump always thinks he knows better than everyone else. Oh well. It ain’t me going to jail for treason. After Trump’s long exposition Cohen said thanks, and announced he would get right back to work obstructing justice for the President, and Trump reminded Cohen to try to frame Hillary Clinton for Trump University by somehow proving it was actually Hillary’s university all along.”

(Picture courtesy of Marc Nozell.)

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