New York City, NY—
Fox News opinionator Sean Hannity has upset conservatives across the country after it was revealed he has betrayed Fox fans’ trust by spending years advocating a real estate venture from which he personally profited, and now it’s increasingly becoming clear he gained financial assistance from Ben Carson’s Department for Housing and Urban Development in several multi-million dollar loans shielded from public view with copious shell companies.
“It’s not that Sean Hannity did not disclose any of his personal and financial connections to these real estate holdings and Ben Carson himself during Hannity’s interview with Carson last summer, it’s that he took government money after spending the better part of two decades denouncing any poor person who took even a penny from the government,” explained perennial Fox-viewer Hank Lardman of Queens. “Hannity has been railing against welfare queens, but it turns out he’s the biggest welfare queen of all!”
Other viewers noted the irony of a conservative like Hannity taking governmental assistance, despite being rich.
“Last time I checked, Sean Hannity is not in any kind of desperate need,” said Cheryl Goodyear of Brooklyn. “Why he needs a governmental loan for anything is beyond me. And I’ve been reading that Sean has been buying these properties and then jacking up the rent prices, as much as 400%! So he’s not even a good Christian landlord, despite his constant pandering to Christians on his radio and TV shows. Why, I feel betrayed, and now when I look at that preposterously giant head of his on the television screen I just want to throw some of my ornamental crucifixes at it.”
Fox News producers, however, have been bracing for another boycott onslaught against Fox’s advertisers.
“Oh, for the love of God, hasn’t Fox suffered enough?” demanded Fox executive producer Alec Fingers. “We get it! Our commentators are moral vacuums, so what? But what can we do? The kind of people attracted to media personality careers at Fox aren’t great role models or ideologically consistent, so sue us! Well, actually, wait—don’t actually sue us. And please stop going after our advertisers. We already fired O’Reilly, and Ailes, and Bolling—what more do you want? We have a seriously empty bench, here. Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingraham are C-team talent in our primetime slots. If we have to fire one of them, you know who is left? Jesse f***ing Watters. That guy is a racist frat bro douche, but if you make us fire Sean Hannity that’s who’s gonna replace him. Be happy with what you have now, cause Hannity is just a racist frat bro. Let me tell you—I have to work with Jesse—Sean is nowhere near the level of douche Jesse is. Have you seen literally any episode of Watters World? And he was just divorced by his wife for cheating on her with a staff member so the guy is now more untethered to monogamy than ever. He is a cornucopia of sexual assault lawsuits just waiting to hit Fox News in the profits nuts. I’m begging you: please don’t get Sean Hannity fired. It’ll ream our bottomline, and if Jesse Watters goes primetime you’ll be asking for Sean back before Jesse’s first commercial break!”