President Donald Trump was a majorly poor sport at the 2011 White House Correspondent’s Dinner, so much that he vowed to get revenge by running for president to win and ruin President Obama’s legacy. (To his credit he actually succeeded in winning and f***ing up Obama’s accomplishments.)
However, WHCD 2018 was a totally different story as Mr. Trump sat at the head table and clapped his hands as he playfully laughed along with presenter Michelle Wolf’s comedic jabs—HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding! Donald Trump didn’t even have the cajonies to attend!
We here at The Halfway Post are absolutely certain Trump sat in his White House bedroom and watched with militant fury, fuming at the truth bombs dropped by Ms. Wolf. He was probably so mad he tried to call up Russian hookers, forgetting the Secret Service don’t allow that kind of thing, and he probably got even more mad when the hookers were denied entry so he had to pee on the bed Obama used to sleep in by himself. Then he probably remembered that it’s his bed now, so he probably went into Melania’s bedroom to sleep there and she probably maced him in the face so he probably got totally furious as he sprawled out on the floor of the WH residency’s hallway rubbing his eyes and promising the Mexican wall was going to get ten feet higher now, and then he probably remembered that no one would give him money for the wall—not the Mexicans, not the Republican Congress, and not the military—so he probably put in the recorded tape of his recent Fox & Friends interview, which only reminded him that it didn’t go well because he ranted so much like an old, senile man on a park bench that even Brian Kilmeade was like “WTF?” So since Donald Trump could probably see normal at this point, he probably got out his cell phone and looked up porn stars on Twitter he could start dishonestly promising future cabinet positions to if they’d sleep with him and not tell anyone, and then he probably sent a heads-up note to Michael Cohen to start looking into another home mortgage just in case one of the porn stars decided to squeal, and then he probably remembered that Cohen is kind of out of bounds, and he probably started worrying about how Cohen was almost certainly going to flip on him and how the FBI reportedly captured 16 phones no doubt filled with evidence of damning, impeachable and arrestable crimes, so Trump probably put in a different Fox & Friends tape, probably one of Trump’s early days when they were helping him make believe his inauguration really was bigger than Obama’s, and then he probably crawled back into his still pee-damp sheets, content that at least the urine was Trump urine, and then he probably thought that Trump Urine would be a great product he could market and sell, but then he thought it might take too much work so he better just do a branding deal with someone else who already sells urine so he could just put his name on it and profit without doing any work. Yeah, that probably put a smile on Trump’s face. And he probably drifted off into a deep, dark sleep haunted by the demons of all the people he has screwed over in his life taunting him while he burned in a hell where Ivanka was ugly and Eric was the most successful kid.
We’re pretty sure that’s exactly how Trump’s night went last night.
(Picture courtesy of ABC News.)