Trump Raved About How Skinny North Korean Girls Are, Offered To Co-Host A Miss Korean Pageant With Kim Jong Un

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Washington D.C.—

In a Trump Administration cabinet meeting this afternoon, President Donald Trump used time allotted for convincing Attorney General Jeff Session to stop splitting up families and putting babies in cages and using Biblical scripture as justification instead for describing all the “tens” he met in Singapore from the North Korean delegation of diplomats.

“Everywhere you look the North Korean women are so skinny,” Trump said according to reports of the content of the meeting. “They must exercise a lot or something, or be really committed to their diets, because they’re all very, very thin. I tell you, maybe America should have a food famine, too, cause it’s working great for North Korea. America has a lot of 5’s, I’m talking a lot of 5’s, and a lot of them could easily get up to 7’s if they got in shape a little more. If they lived a little more like North Koreans. I complimented Kim Jong-un in our meeting on his women. I said he oughta let me have a Miss Korea beauty pageant. It would be so big. So great. I’m sure Vladimir Putin would want to help out. Maybe we could even have a South Korea versus North Korea thing—all in good fun of course. It would be good for me, it would be good for Kim, and it would be good for the North Korean beauties. We could be co-judges, how about that? Wouldn’t that be great? Me and Kim? The Fake News wouldn’t admit it, but I’d be the first sitting US President to judge North Korean teens in their swimsuits. Isn’t that something amazing? I even said North Korea could win it. Why not? And that is a good deal, ladies and gentlemen. It makes Kim really happy and justifies his presence on the world celebrity stage, and the North Koreans are happy cause it makes them look good, and then America gets… uh… oh, crap, what does America get? Shit, I should have demanded something. Man! I totally didn’t get any concessions! That would have been a good time and place to demand the end of their nuclear deal. Wow, I really blew the negotiation, didn’t I? Sorry everyone, not my best work. Oh well. I’ll still get paid by Kim. And I’d get another one of my famous teenager locker room walk-throughs, those are always hot. Being famous and rich and shameless is so great, everyone. Okay, so what were we talking about? Jeff Sessions, that’s right. Uh, this stuff with the kids, Jeff, what’s going on here? The kids, what are we talking? Are they, uh, brown, or normal, or… Okay, brown. Well, in life you sometimes win some and you lose some, don’t you? Not me though, right? I’m a winner. The first time I ever ran for President I won. If you exclude Election 2000, when I did kind of run for real, but that was a thing Roger Stone had me do to knock out Buchanan to help Bush get the nomination. Roger Stone, ha! What a character. Shady guy. Real shady guy. I hope Mueller doesn’t make him flip on me.”

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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