Donald Trump Offers To Adopt Honduran Children, Give Them The Same Parental Apathy He Gives Barron


Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump has responded to criticism that his administration’s policy of breaking up immigrant and refugee families is Biblically evil by pledging to adopt five Honduran children and give them the same level of parenting that he gives his kids.

The President was honest what this would entail in a brief self-congratulatory statement he made to the White House press pool this morning:

“Effective immediately, I’m going to adopt five Honduran children and support them. I will give them the same parenting I gave my own kids, which will be great because look how awesome they’ve all turned out. They have impeccable records with just a few minor blemishes of criminality and fraud… except for Donald Jr. His plethora of legal treason issues ain’t getting smaller, you know what I mean? But yeah, I will take these immigrant kids in, and pay some woman money so that I don’t have to see or talk to any of them until they’re 18, and then take full credit for their hopefully positive work ethics. Yep, I’m gonna give them the full ‘Trump fathering’. Barron is getting it right now. Did you know he speaks fluent Slovenian? Yeah, his mom taught him. In fact, I’m not sure if he even speaks English, he’s pretty quiet when I’m around. Boy, I hope Melania spoke to him in at least a little English—well, the maids probably did. Wait, maybe he knows Spanish too, then, cause of the maids. Wow, maybe he’s trilingual and I didn’t even know it! Sometimes I surprise myself with my great fathering. My son, trilingual at 10! …Or 15. Let’s go with 13. And can’t forget Tiffany, who is some place in the world right now. Gotta love her, she’s a free soul. She’s somewhere in the range of 25 and 35. Then there’s Eric, and Ivanka and Donald Jr. Maybe I could have done a little more parenting on two of them. Guess which two. Ha! But yep, I will humbly and altruistically take in five immigrant children. I hope the Nobel Committee is watching. Five new Trumps, imagine that. The rest of the immigrant children are gonna stay in their dog kennels, but these five will have a new life. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the tremendous generosity of America.”

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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