Donald Trump Offers To Adopt Honduran Children, Give Them The Same Parental Apathy He Gives Barron

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Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump has responded to criticism that his administration’s policy of breaking up immigrant and refugee families is evil by pledging to adopt five Honduran children, and give them the same parenting that he gives his kids.

The President was honest what this would entail in a brief self-congratulatory statement he made to the White House press pool this morning:

“Effective immediately, I’m going to adopt five Honduran children and support them. I will treat them exactly as if they were my own kids, which will be great because look how awesome they’ve all turned out. They have impeccable records… with just a few minor blemishes of fraud and charity self-dealing. But I mean it that I will give them the full Trump parenting. I will take these immigrant kids in, and pay some woman money so that I don’t have to see or talk to any of them until they’re at least 18, and then take full credit for their hopefully positive work ethics. Yep, I will give them the full Trump fathering that Barron is getting right now. Did you know he speaks fluent Slovenian? Yeah, his mom taught him. In fact, I’m not sure if he even speaks English. He’s pretty quiet when I’m around. Boy, I hope Melania spoke to him in at least a little English—well, the maids probably did. Wait, maybe he knows Spanish, too, then, cause of the maids. Wow, maybe he’s trilingual, and I didn’t even know it! Sometimes I surprise myself with my great fathering. My son, trilingual at 10! …Or 15. Let’s go with 13. And can’t forget Tiffany, who is some place in the world right now. Gotta love her, she’s a free soul. And somewhere in the range of 25 and 35. Then there’s Eric, and Ivanka and Donald Jr. Maybe I could have done a little more parenting on two of them. Guess which two. Ha! But yep, I will humbly and altruistically take in five immigrant children. All girls. I want more babes out there in the future with the Trump name. I just hope I don’t pick any uglies. It’s hard to tell because sometimes little girls look pretty, but then puberty makes them real gangly, awkward and plain looking. It’s too bad none of them have boobs yet to help me decide. But my adoptions are not some shallow modeling contest. It’s to show I care about kids. Even the brown ones. I hope the Nobel Committee is watching. The rest of the immigrant children will stay in their dog kennels, but these five will get a new start in a new life. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the tremendous generosity of America. And the best part of having immigrants kids is that it won’t be incest if I date them!”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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