Local Trump Fan Is Annoyed All The Brown People She Yells At Turn Out To Be Citizens

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Mobile, Alabama—

Bertha LaFollette, 49, a local Alabama woman, has been pausing in the middle of her daily errands to yell at the non-white people she encounters, but she keeps getting discouraged by finding out the people she harasses in public are, in fact, US citizens.

“I know the illegal MS-13 gang lords and immigrant terrorists are out here somewhere, but they’re too shadowy and I can’t find any,” she explained. “This morning I yelled at a 50-something-year-old Asian man to go back to ching-chong China, and—what do you know?—he turned out to be a 30-year veteran of the navy who has lived here in Alabama his whole life. This other black thug I saw was reading a book in the park, so, of course, I did the patriotic thing and told him he wasn’t welcome in Mobile, and I got unlucky again! He turned out to be the mayor! What are the odds? Things are so out of control. I don’t know how he could have been democratically elected! This  just isn’t my Mobile anymore! Yet all around the country are horrible stories! I hear from Sean Hannity and the rest of Fox News on a nightly basis how animalistic minorities are out everywhere targeting Trump supporters and threatening to enslave us Christian whites, but just my luck that I can’t find any of them to yell at here! I must be in the only town in America where all the urbans and foreigners hold the door for me in and out of stores, and let me go first at 4-way stop signs! But I suppose it’s a blessing that my town seems perfectly normal when good Christian white folk all over America are daily terrorized by this invasion of millions of brown-skinned hordes pillaging and burning suburbs that used to be safe from all crime.”

Ms. LaFollette invited a Halfway Post reporter to accompany her on a walk around the park, and we indulged her invitation. The experience was full of her ranting at everything and everyone she saw:

“You’re the reason I’m poor!” she exclaimed at two Mexican boys playing Pokémon Go! along the park’s paved path as she began yelling at every person of color she saw. “You’re why my Social Security benefits aren’t keeping up with inflation! You and your margarita family! You’re why my van broke down! You’re why I can’t afford 2-ply toilet paper! You’re why this outskirt suburban town’s factory has been laying off workers for two decades, and cutting benefits even as production and profits skyrocket with the help of automation! You’re why all the wealth is concentrated at the top, and CEOs get massive bonuses and corporate retirement packages, while wages mysteriously decline! Hey, you Arab punks! You’re why our job creators moved to richer cities and lost touch with their workers and their communities, and eventually moved manufacturing entirely to Taiwan and Vietnam! You! You two basketball-playing middle-schoolers! It’s all your fault! Not the fault of the Republican Party’s decades-long insistence on global free-trade coupled with obstinacy to any economic stimulus for the affected, collateral-damaged victims of the outsourcing of our industrial economy from Main Street America to Asia! Go back to Mexico, or Africa, or wherever all you hyphen-Americans came from! You’re why I’m not getting full-time hours or healthcare at Walmart! It’s because of your toddler little sister who is going to grow up and have mixed babies and further make America less white! Trump’s gonna kick you all out! Then once you’re all gone, I’ll be rich! I’ll be a billionaire! My Walmart cashier job will start giving me weeks and weeks of paid vacation every year, and stock option bonuses! The longer you and your families have your dirty lives here in Alabama, the longer it will be till I’m in the 1%! When you’re all deported I won’t need food stamps anymore from the government! So scram, you undesirables! And don’t go home thinking I’m stupid for not realizing that your people and mine are both victims of unprecedented economic inequality, and that we should actually be allied according to our economic interests against the class warfare of top-down economic exploitation, because that’s not the truth! White people are the only victims! Not you people! So you have to get out of our country. Doesn’t matter if you were born here, and your family has been here for generations! Or if your family was from South-Western territory changing hands from country to country until America annexed it two centuries ago! You’re the culprit for my white-trash life with no immediate hope for improvement! It’s you! And this is not racist! I don’t have a racist bone in my body! This is just economic frustration!”

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(Picture courtesy of r. nial bradshaw.)

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