Local Trump Fan Is Annoyed All The Brown People She Yells At Turn Out To Be Citizens


Mobile, Alabama—

Bertha LaFollette, 49, a local Alabama woman has been pausing in the middle of her daily errands to yell at the non-white people she encounters throughout the day, but she reportedly keeps getting discouraged by finding out the people she harasses in public are, in fact, US citizens.

“I know the illegal MS-13 gang lords are out here somewhere, but they’re too shadowy and I can’t find any,” she explained. “This morning I yelled at a 70-something-year-old Asian man to go back to ching-chong China, and—what do you know?—he turned out to be a 30-year veteran of the navy and has lived here in Alabama his whole life. This other black thug I saw was reading a book in the park, so of course I did the patriotic thing and told him he wasn’t welcome in Mobile, and I got unlucky again! He turned out to be the mayor! What are the odds? Things are so out of control, I don’t know how he got democratically elected! This is not my Mobile anymore! Yet all around the country are horrible stories! I hear from Sean Hannity and the rest of Fox News on a nightly basis about how minorities and animalistic immigrant monsters are out to get Trump supporters! But just my luck that I can’t find any of them to yell at! I must be in the only town in America where all of the minorities hold the door for me in and out of stores, and let me go first at 4-way stop signs! But I suppose it’s a blessing. Good Christian white folk all over America are daily terrorized by this invasion of millions of tan skinned hordes pillaging good, God-fearing suburbs, but my town is perfectly normal!”

Ms. LaFollette invited a Halfway Post reporter to accompany her on a walk around the park, and we indulged her invitation. It was an experience of her ranting at everything and everyone she saw:

“You’re the reason I’m poor!” she exclaimed at two Mexican boys playing Pokémon Go! along the park’s paved path. “You’re why my Social Security benefits aren’t keeping up with inflation! You and your margarita family! You’re why my van broke down! You’re why I can’t afford 2-ply toilet paper! You’re why this outskirt suburban town’s factory has been laying off workers for two decades and cutting benefits even as production and profits skyrocket with the help of automation. You’re why all the wealth is concentrated at the top and CEOs get massive bonuses and corporate retirement packages, while wages somehow decline! You and your Arab friends! You’re why our job creators moved to richer cities and lost touch with their workers and their community, and eventually moved the plant entirely to Taiwan! You! You two basketball playing middle-schoolers! It’s all your fault! Not the fault of the Republican Party’s insistence on global free-trade coupled with obstinacy to any economic stimulus for the affected, collateral-damaged victims of the outsourcing of our industrial economy from Main Street America to Asia! Go back to Mexico or Africa, or wherever all you hyphen-Americans come from! Your parents’ jobs of picking avocados for $3.50 an hour is why I’m not getting full-time hours at Walmart. It’s not because Walmart’s top bosses are greedy and purposefully prevent their employees from being full-time so as to not have to give any of their workforce healthcare or other benefits… it’s because of your toddler little sister who is going to grow up and have mixed babies and further make America slightly less white! Go back to your MS-13 gang lord middle school friends! Trump’s gonna kick you all out! Then once you’re all gone, I’ll be rich! I’ll be a billionaire. The longer you and your family have lives here in Alabama, the longer it will be till I’m in the 1%! When that happens I won’t need unemployment checks from the government! So scram, you undesirables! And don’t go home thinking I’m stupid for not realizing that your people and mine are both victims of unprecedented economic inequality, and that we should actually be allied according to our economic interests against economic exploitation because that’s not the truth! White people are the only victims! Not you people! You have to get out of our country. Doesn’t matter if you were born here and are textbook citizens! You’re the culprit for my white-trash life with no immediate hope for improvement! It’s you! And this is not racist! I don’t have a racist bone in my body! This is just economic frustration!”


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(Picture courtesy of r. nial bradshaw.)

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