Washington D.C.—
The White House has finally revealed the truth about President Trump’s mysterious Walter Reed hospital visit, and announced Mr. Trump had undergone an emergency heart transplant surgery.
Touchingly, the organ donor had been a DREAM Act-qualifying immigrant, and Trump posted several tweets today renouncing his former racism:
“America, it’s not Fake News that I got a heart transplant. A lot of people don’t know this, but 50 years of Double Quarter Pounders, fried chicken, Diet Coke and no exercise really clogs your arteries. But I feel better now than ever! And I’m just glad a Mexican has finally paid for something!”
“At first, I didn’t think brown and white people’s internal organs were compatible. I was afraid if I got a Mexican’s heart, it would rape and kidnap my other organs, and hold them hostage for a ransom! I asked the doctors if they could build a wall around my heart to protect my lungs and liver, but they assured me it wasn’t needed! Fortunately, so far, it seems this Mexican heart isn’t from some MS-13 gang lord!”
“In hindsight, it’s a great thing that Democrats and the ACLU sued my administration and stopped Stephen Miller’s Nazi-ish deportation policies! Can you imagine if I had deported that Mexican who died and donated his heart to me? I wouldn’t be here! I never thought I’d say this, but America is a better place with immigrants, and all I needed to understand this was to personally benefit somehow!”
“So thank you, immigrants! I promise I’ll start being nicer to you. Starting today, I’m directing ICE to stop deporting all the DREAM Act kids. Who knows what organs I’m going to need in a few years, and if we don’t keep true to America’s promise as a melting pot land of immigrants, I may not get another transplant in time!”
“And I’m sorry for doing so many racisms all these years. It just worked so effectively with my supporters that I couldn’t stop! These non-college-educated white voters will vote against their every economic interest in the world if you just make them feel good about being white. If you say that Obama was a Kenyan, they’ll let you do anything! Grab ‘em anywhere you want!”
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!
The Halfway Post 