St. Louis, MO—
The Green Party is beginning to plan its strategy for Election 2020, and the Greens are committing once again to steal enough votes from the eventual Democratic presidential nominee that Donald Trump wins reelection.
“It’s not our fault Democrats cannot pass the Green Party purity test of liberalism,” said Green Party Committee Chairman Ron Elders. “Al Gore and the Clintons are the perfect examples of the Democratic Party’s failed centrist, ‘third way’ politics, and if the Democrats would just turn much more unelectably liberal, we might finally endorse their candidates.”
Elders kept repeating the phrase “it’s not our fault,” perhaps as a rhetorical form of self-persuasion to stop thinking about the consequences of the Green Party’s role in helping elect disaster-presidents George W. Bush and Trump.
“It’s not our fault that Democrats only give us 90% of what we want,” Elders continued. “That’s just not good enough for us. We want to be able to fall asleep at night, so the Democrats leave us with no choice except to continue peeling off enough voters from them so they lose elections. We will not compromise on even one issue. Until the government is 100% unelectably far-Left, we will stand in the way of any and all incremental progress! Good is the sworn enemy of perfect! But the consequences of obstructing the election of even moderately liberal administrations are not our fault!”
Elders eventually acknowledged the pro-GOP effect of the Green Party’s presidential campaigns smearing Democratic candidates.
“Granted, our efforts have meant that the Republican presidential candidate has won undeservedly in two popular elections out of the last five, and we got 0% of what we want in those years as an effect, but Democrats should have given us that extra 10% we demand from them. It doesn’t matter that Trump is the darkest stain on American democracy in history, and everyone knew he would be terrible, racist and fascist. Our votes against President Hillary Clinton were totally necessary, even though, obviously, she would have been a much better president than this psychopath. Hillary wasn’t perfect, so the bottom line is we couldn’t let her win. If Trump wins again in 2020 and puts us and his other liberal political opponents and critics into his border concentration camps, and starts a new world war, and sells out America to Russia, it will all be Democrats’ fault for not being just slightly more liberal!”
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!
(Photo courtesy of Tar Sands Blockade.)
The Halfway Post 